Divorce Coaching, Football and My 84 Year Old Dad
“But what do you actually DO?”
What does a divorce coach actually do? What do you actually do?
I had a conversation with my 84 year old Dad over the weekend. Now, I’ve been doing this work in some capacity since 2018 but granted, my work isn’t something my Dad and I have discussed at length. Perhaps at all.
So when I was speaking with him about my week, my clients, and some events that I’d attended recently he looked at me, clearly a bit baffled and said “so… what is it that you actually DO?”
Dad is an old die hard Carlton Blues fan (yes, I know, poor guy.) and, while divorce is no game, I used the Blues & football as a framework and reference to explain what I do.
When someone is wondering whether to stay or leave a marriage. Or they’re discussing separation with their partner. Or they’ve decided they want to leave. Or perhaps have been blindsided by their partner saying they want a divorce. There’s a LOT to think about, organise, consider and decide.
Playing the “game” of divorce
It’s a brand new game (even though it’s no game). With a whole new set of rules and regulations and parameters that you’ve likely never encountered before. It’s like running out onto the ground - a brand new ground - against a completely unknown team and with a whole bunch of players on your side you’ve never played with before.
You need to be match fit, right? You need to have done all the preparation, all the pre-season and training work. Have a game plan. And a contingency plan. Know which way to run, how to execute the skills of the game, even which end you’re kicking to, and have a solid recovery plan for the following day.
So Dad, I'm the head coach, the specialist, the tactician, fitness advisor, game strategist, sports psychologist, mindset expert, team manager, injury management crew & recovery squad all rolled into one.
Pre-season, I help & coach & guide my clients to work out exactly what point they’re at right now and also what their goals are - how they want life to look & feel in 2, 5, 10 even 20 years’ time, not just at the end of the “game”.
Goals & game plan
Do they want to do the work to stay & reconnect? Leave without burning everything down? Navigate a divorce where their ex is making collaboration challenging?
We map out a game plan. We determine the skills or elements of their “fitness” that need a little work in order for them to execute the game plan. What’s already working pretty well for them, their strong points and natural skills as well as where they need to focus, improve, grow and up-skill themselves.
That could be financial. It could be about real estate, lending, mortgage, banking, borrowing. It might be about their work & career. Parenting & co-parenting. It could be finding the right legal expertise & support.
Or it could be the social & emotional support to move through one of life’s hardest “games” - separation & divorce - without burning out, feeling devastated or leaving a trail of injury & destruction. Without getting reported and rubbed out for the rest of the season. Without limping across the finish line at the end, completely spent with nothing left in the tank.
The inner work
Often it’s doing the inner work. Like the sports psychologists that work with the AFL teams. Mindset. Limiting beliefs. Conditioning. Stories.
And, of course we work on all of the emotional elements of “playing” at a high level; bringing your A-Game to the field.
Emotions, reactivity and communication
We work on emotional reactivity and calm communication - so everyone on the team is informed and you can make smart, timely, decisions that lead you to the outcome you most want for yourself. So you can articulate your wants, needs & desires. Ask for what you need. Collaborate to unravel your relationship, agree on what’s most important, and co-parent to best support your kids.
Fitness & strength
And then I support & guide my clients to build, improve & strengthen those muscles & skills. Find the right people to bring onto their team. Work on their emotions & reactivity so they can show up to “play the game” in the right headspace and communicate with their team members, as well as with the “opposition” in a way that moves them toward their goals.
Troubleshooting & adapting to changing conditions
I am on call for them as they work things out, or not. When things don’t go according to the game plan, we come into the half-time huddle and re-evaluate, adjust the plan to adapt to the new conditions.
Cheerleading & analysis
We celebrate the “wins” and by that I mean forward progress. We unpack the games we didn’t play so well and how we will shift things for the next round.
So Dad, I’m the Coach. Fitness consultant. Team manager. Sports psychologist. I’m also the No1 fan & cheerleader. Not of a football match, but of someone’s divorce, which is as I said earlier, no “game” but you get the gist.
Go Swans!
Sorry, Dad.
If you are recruiting for your Divorce Squad, if having me on your team as you ask the hard questions or navigate your divorce is something you're interested in, let's chat in a free intro call.