HEALING FROM SELF ABANDONMENT
HEALING FROM SELF ABANDONMENT
Firstly, what is self-abandonment?
Self abandonment is where you reject, ignore, suppress or withhold parts of yourself to avoid discomfort; to avoid big or challenging feelings. To be accepted, liked, loved. To keep the peace, avoid conflict or confrontation, or because you think that’s what’s required of you.
It’s when you minimise or ignore your thoughts, feelings, emotions, needs & desires, for the sake of others.
Self-abandoning is a learned pattern of behaviour, often from childhood. It served us, as children, to keep ourselves emotionally safe, in situations we didn’t know how to handle. As adults however, we have the power to consciously choose; to re-program this behaviour, re-parent ourselves & nurture the inner confidence & skills we need to allow difficult emotions, thoughts & feelings to be brought to the surface. To stay present & self-honouring.
HOW TO HEAL FROM SELF-ABANDONMENT
Here are some ways you can start your healing journey from self-abandonment towards self-honouring:
PRIORITISE YOURSELF
Commit to recognising, acknowledging and prioritising YOU - your needs, your wants, your desires. This does not make you selfish. It makes you self-aware.
ALLOW YOUR FEELINGS
Feel all of your feelings, even the uncomfortable ones; allow them to surface, be seen, be felt. Allow yourself to experience your feelings without judging them as right or wrong, good or bad. Without minimising or dismissing them.
BE YOUR OWN SAFE SPACE
Be a safe container, a haven for yourself, for your feelings & needs. Our emotions are messengers, guiding us toward what we need most. If you tune in & listen, if you allow them to rise, your feelings will tell you what you need. Create the space you need - mental & physical - to allow your feelings to surface & be fully felt.
ACKNOWLEDGE & HONOUR YOUR NEEDS
Allow yourself to have needs, know what they are, and in relationships, communicate them clearly & compassionately & then require they be (reasonably) met.
Meet your own needs first, rather than hoping or expecting someone else will do it for you. Our primary, core need is to belong. Belonging to ourselves first means we have no need to diminish our desires or hide our true selves to belong elsewhere. When you meet your own needs, & then have your needs are met in relationship with others, you are released from the resentment, frustration, depletion or rage of feeling unseen, unheard, uncared. When you meet your own needs, you are freer, happier, calmer, more joyful. And this flows into your relationships with others.
STAY PRESENT & NOTICE
Staying present & practicing mindfulness, being present in your body will allow you to i) begin to identify when & why you self-abandon ii) truly feel your emotions, even the difficult or challenging ones & iii) identify your needs.
Start noticing when you self abandon - how it feels in your body, what are the triggers for you?
Practice pausing, focusing & asking yourself how you feel throughout the day. Identify & name your feelings.
Then ask yourself, “I’m feeling ___________. What do I need right now?”
The aim is to stay present with your challenging or triggering feelings, rather than to abandon yourself when you feel overwhelmed.
SHOW ALL OF YOU
Understand & accept that we all have shadows as well as light. Allow all of you. Allow all of you to be seen, rather than hide parts of yourself for fear of judgement or disapproval - your own, or that of others.
As humans we have a deep need to fit in, accepted, chosen, part of the collective. We fear abandonment, and to avoid the pain of not being accepted or chosen, we self-abandon.
You are not for everyone. And that’s OK.
Show up and shine as the whole lotta woman that you are EVERY. SINGLE. DAY.
That’s how you will draw your people to you.
Shrinking, changing, holding back parts of yourself means you’re calling in those who will never really be able to see, hold, honour you. The real you. The beautiful, the messy, the perfectly imperfect you.
SELF-LOVE & SELF-COMPASSION
We’re all deeply & innately worthy of care & comfort, support & nurture, honouring & celebrating - when we’re feeling fragile & challenged AND when flying high. Often, we’re great at being loving & compassionate giving for others, but we minimise or ignore our own need for care, support, comfort & celebrating. We forget to extend the same love, gentle kindness & compassion to ourselves, often when we most need it. Be a friend to yourself. Up level your self-love & self-care. Be gentle & compassionate with yourself if you make mistakes, or need rest.
STAND UP FOR YOURSELF
AKA speak your truth. Speaking up for yourself, claiming what you want & need, being assertive is not aggressive or wrong. Setting & holding healthy boundaries does not make you mean or selfish.
Staying true to yourself. Remaining anchored in what you need, know, believe, desire. NOT abandoning yourself requires you to stand up for yourself. To hold healthy boundaries. Say no when you need to. Speak your truth. Which can feel uncomfortable if it’s new to you. Most of us are afraid of or at the very least choose to avoid upsetting, offending or angering other people, afraid that we’ll be disliked, unloved, left out - abandoned - if we do.
But the alternative — allowing other people’s wants, needs, desires, & comfort to be prioritised above our own (our partner, & yes, even our children) — is self-abandonment & a fast track to disconnection & discontent.
OWN YOUR WORTHINESS
Own that you are deeply, innately worthy. What you want, need, choose, desire, require is valid. You are worthy of all that you ask for. You are innately worthy - you don’t have to prove your worth - of everything you need & desire.
The flip side to this is saying, “everyone else’s wants & needs, even their comfort matter more than mine.”
When we disrespect, invalidate, our own wants & needs, when we tell ourselves the B.S story that we don’t really deserve what we desire, when we blame & shame ourselves for even having needs & desires, it’s self abandonment and it comes from a place of not-enough-ness. The message you're sending to yourself (& yes to others) is “I do this, because you are more important than me. I do this because I don’t value me. I don’t honour or own my worth. I do this because I don’t believe I’m worthy of better.”
Not such a great foundation for a healthy, happy, respectful, fulfilling relationship or life.
YOU ARE WORTHY. YOU WERE BORN WORTHY. YOU HAVE NO NEED TO PROVE YOUR WORTHINESS.
SIMPLY OWN IT.
LEAN IN TO SELF TRUST
This will feel challenging or scary if it’s new to you. Self-trust is accepting & knowing you won’t know all the answers all the time, but that you have the capacity to discover what you need to know. Self trust is having your own back, knowing that you intrinsically know what’s right for you and you will find your own path.
Leaning into self-trust requires you to be vulnerable.
(There’s an episode on the podcast about leaning in to self trust if you’re keen)
Self-trust is built, grown & reclaimed primarily by rekindling & nurturing your relationship with yourself. Coming to know yourself on a deep level - who you are, what you believe & value, how you want to live & move through the world.
RE-KIND YOUR INNER CRITIC
Your inner critic, your inner voice, whatever you choose to call it was not always so harsh & judgemental. Remember when you were a kid & thought you could do anything? Let’s go back there. Turn down the dial on your inner critic & re-kind her. Shift & change the way your inner voice sounds; what it says & the tone of voice it uses with you. Re-kind it.
(check out my podcast episode if you MORE on inner critic)
ASK YOURSELF SOME QUESTIONS
Be curious about your thinking & decision making. Leading with curiosity, making conscious choices, aligned with your values & desires, means you move yourself closer to a life that is what you most want. Pleasing & honouring yourself first.
Ask yourself…
What are the reasons I’m choosing this?
What’s underneath my decision?
Is this a wholehearted yes?
Who or what benefits from me making this choice?
Is this decision taking me closer to how I most want to show up in my life?
Is this aligned with my core values?
If there was no-one else involved, would I make the same choice? (helps release you from choosing for external reasons or validation)
How am I willing to start to show up for myself?
When I tune in and listen, what is my body trying to tell me?
What am I feeling right now? What are my feelings telling me?
What is my discomfort trying to remind me of?
What do I believe to be true?
Is this really important to me (or does it feel big because it’s important to someone else)?
How will I prioritise my self care?
How will I soothe my discomfort so I am able to do what is right for me even if others disapprove?
What do I need to calm my anxiety, soothe my nervous system or quiet my inner critic?
When I'm feeling challenged, how will I comfort myself, how will I focus on self-compassion?
How can I support myself to set & hold healthy boundaries without feeling guilty?
WHAT’S ONE SMALL STEP I CAN TAKE TODAY, TO HONOUR & VALUE MYSELF?
It’s time to CHOOSE YOU
To consciously choose how this next season of your life will look & feel.
To intentionally & unapologetically CHOOSE YOU.
I’ve created this FREE guidebook to step you through one process I use with my clients to reclaim & liberate themselves.
It's an exploration of who you are, what you believe, wish & hope for.
It will support you to identify the stories you're telling yourself, how to heal & rewrite them
& CHOOSE YOU
If you would like to explore how I can support you to heal from self-abandonment, let’s chat.
I offer a complimentary 20 minute call & you can book directly in my calendar.