SELF ABANDONMENT: What It Is & Why We Do It
If you’re feeling resentful, exhausted, taken for granted, frustrated or just plain RAGE 🔥in your relationship… there’s a better than even chance self-abandonment is playing a part.
Do you listen to your gut or do you have a hard time trusting your instinct, trusting yourself?
Do you show up wholeheartedly, unashamedly, authentically as the whole lotta woman you are, or do you suppress, hide, keep small, minimise, squash down parts of yourself?
Do you speak your truth - share your thoughts, ideas, opinions, beliefs and ideas? Or do you remain silent?
Do you ignore, discount or shut down your feelings, diminish or contract their magnitude because you think they don't really matter, or that your partner will label you too intense, too emotional even a little bit crazy?
Perhaps you tell yourself that everyone & everything else - kids, family, work, friends, even the dog - should come first. That there’s just “no time” to take care of yourself, to tend to what you want, need, dream of or that everything else is more pressing or important.
And then maybe in the quiet of the night, or at the end of another long day… you hear the whispering & wondering… you feel a little lost… or you feel exhausted… on a really deep level. Physically. Emotionally. Mentally. Spiritually. You’re empty. Drained. Bone achingly tired. Depleted. Frustrated. Resentful. Over it all. Ready to quietly turn your back & walk away from everyone & everything. Or you’re just plain fkng angry. And ready to blow it all up.
THIS, my lovely one, is self abandonment.
Rejecting, suppressing or ignoring parts of ourselves.
Holding back.
Prioritising the wants, needs & desires of others over our own.
We abandon ourselves when we don't value ourselves, our needs, our values, our commitments, our truth, our desires.
When we don't act in our own best interest, choose what’s right for us.
When we don't encourage and comfort ourselves or don’t expect, accept & receive encouragement, support, care & comfort from others.
We abandon ourselves when we don’t trust ourselves, when we don’t listen or tend to our bodies, our intuition, our inner knowing. When our self-care is last on our list.
When we don’t acknowledge & honour our feelings. Not openly sharing our true feelings.
Or by withholding our ideas & opinions. Our hopes. Our dreams. Our desires.
We abandon ourselves when we don’t prioritise our own health, happiness & well-being
When we hold back our truth, bite our tongue, shut down our voice, don’t speak our thoughts, share our opinions, ASK for what we need.
We abandon ourselves by not actively choosing for ourselves. By allowing others make decisions for us assuming they know more or better than we do.
We abandon ourselves by not disagreeing when something isn’t right, by remaining silent for fear of making others uncomfortable or creating conflict.
We abandon ourselves by not owning what we most want for ourselves & allowing that to be 100% a whole lotta yes OK. By answering “I don’t mind” or “whatever you like”when asked our preference or opinion.
We abandon ourselves by seeking validation externally, instead of deeply trusting that our worthiness is innate and not something to be earned or bestowed upon us by others.
We abandon ourselves by people-pleasing - being the “good girl” or by behaving or acting in ways we think will please (or at least not displease) others even if they go against our beliefs and values.
By hiding parts of ourselves, staying small. Not owning or showing or bringing to the light anything we think might be shameful, unloveable, cause conflict or discomfort for others.
By letting go of or deeply compromising our hopes & dreams. By giving up our interests and goals for the sake of someone else’s.
We abandon ourselves when we are overly critical & judgemental of ourselves. When allow our inner critic to rule our mind, shame & blame us, & dictate our behaviour.
We abandon ourselves by immediately assuming that when something goes wrong, it’s our fault.
We abandon ourselves by suppressing our feelings with numbing strategies - denial, avoidance, alcohol or other drugs, endless Netflix or comfort eating.
We abandon ourselves when we don’t do the inner work, choose not to show up for ourselves or heal our emotional wounds.
When we stay co-dependent in our relationships, focused more on the needs, wants, & problems, of our partner, neglecting ourselves.
We abandon ourselves by saying yes when we really want (or need) to say no. When we choose not to set & hold healthy boundaries. With others & with ourselves.
So WHY DO WE DO IT?
We do it…
To fit in
To be liked
To be loved
We do it to feel SAFE in our relationships.
We do it so we won’t be left.
We do it, somewhat ironically so we won’t be abandoned
WHERE DOES IT COME FROM?
Perhaps as a child, we were only rewarded or valued when we were the “good girl.” When we didn’t make too much noise, take up too much space, ask for or demand too much.
Perhaps we grew up in a family where we were deemed worthy, honoured for what we did, what we accomplished or achieved, rather than simply who we were.
In an emotionally unavailable, unpredictable, or abusive family, perhaps we learned to be the chameleon - to hide parts of ourselves, to shut down our true self, to keep private & bury our true feelings - morphing into whatever role would help keep the peace and avoid emotional pain.
Whether as a child or in more adult relationships, we’ve learned to keep the peace, be compliant, be the “good partner” acquiescing to someone else’s idea of who we are & how we “should” (link to podcast ??) show up in our relationships & in the world.
We tell ourselves a story that for the relationship to survive, to hold us, for us to be accepted, liked & loved, for us not be left, unloved, abandoned, we need to suppress our ideas, thoughts, feelings, needs & desires. That our worthiness depends on what we accomplish, how much we give to & serve others, the work (emotional, mental & physical)we do for & the value we bring to the relationship.
All of this is rooted in you not honouring ourselves. Not choosing ourselves. Not valuing ourselves. Not loving ourselves.
Time to call BS. Time to call time on all of that.
NEXT WEEK: Part 2: Self Abandonment: What To Do About It
It’s time to CHOOSE YOU
To consciously choose how this next season of your life will look & feel.
To intentionally & unapologetically CHOOSE YOU.
I’ve created this FREE guidebook to step you through one process I use with my clients to reclaim & liberate themselves.
It's an exploration of who you are, what you believe, wish & hope for.
It will support you to identify the stories you're telling yourself, how to heal & rewrite them
& CHOOSE YOU
If you would like deeper support on this healing journey, if you’re feeling challenged in your relationship, thinking about or navigating separation or divorce, let’s chat.
I offer a complimentary 20 minute call to support you to do this work.