“Should I Stay Or Should I Leave My Relationship?” MAKING HARD DECISIONS - Part 2
Finding your own right answer to the question of “should I stay or should Ieave?” is far from simple. It’s rarely a clear cut, black vs white choice, but loaded with both light & dark. Nuanced. Layered.
As humans, we are hard-wired for certainty. We crave stability & we like to know what’s coming for us. And so, standing in the liminal space, standing at a fork in the road of your relationship (or your broader life) is uncomfortable.
If you (or someone you love), is standing in the discomfort of not knowing, wondering what the next best step is, asking whether to stay or leave a relationship, these tips & ideas are designed to support & validate you, offer you a new perspective & a guide to move yourself onto a clearer path forward.
Take what most resonates with & feels right for your unique circumstances.
When you’re faced with making one of the hardest decisions you may ever make, here are some things to consider.
LISTEN TO YOUR BODY & YOUR INTUITION
Take some quiet time to yourself.
Ask yourself the hard question.
Think about each of the options in turn (tip: there may be more than you think).
Where do you feel the response in your body?
What is that response trying to tell you?
Sit with how each option feels in your body.
Don’t try to shift or change it, or minimise or repress it. Don’t judge it as right, wrong, good or bad. Just allow it.
Perhaps you might like to close your eyes & imagine each option in turn. What colour(s) or images do you see for each? What feelings come up for each?
This clues can be an indication of how you really feel.
Listen in & trust your inner knowing. Your intuition.
Research shows that our gut feelings, our inner knowing, our bodily reaction to different options very often leads us to making a decision that’s aligned with our best interests - even before we are consciously aware of the reasons underlying the gut feeling. Our body knows, before our mind catches up.
Leaning in & listening to your body, your emotions, your feelings is a powerful indicator of what your best decision is.
(note I say “your” best decision - because everyone’s is different; unique. The best decision for someone else, is not necessarily the best decision for you.)
ACCEPT THE OUTCOME
Owning your truth isn’t easy. Choosing yourself isn’t easy.
Whenever a hard decision or difficult choice is made, things will be shifted, balances tipped & changes triggered.
People will react, respond. Be activated, triggered, shocked or surprised.
Making a hard decision means you need to be prepared to accept the outcome. And to accept that some of it will be beyond your capacity to control.
People may be hurt. Things will be different.
Accept that you may disappoint or upset some people if you hold to your truth.
That choosing your truth, choosing yourself, over what’s accepted or expected will rattle some cages.
Accept that some people may not agree with your decision. And accept that holding to what's right for you is more important than keeping others comfortable.
EXPLORE THE BEST/WORST SCENARIOS
Ask yourself, what's the BEST thing that could happen if you made decision A?
List out all the best things that could possibly happen if you chose A.
Now consider the worst thing that could happen. What’s the absolute worst thing that could possibly happen if you made decision A?
Once you have that in your mind, ask “and then what…?”
When you’ve answered that for yourself, ask again “and then what…?”
Continue with this process of asking “and then what” until you’ve exhausted the options, or you get to a simple “nothing” kind of response, or come to the realisation that what you’re most scared of isn’t actually all that bad.
This can be super helpful if you’re prone (ummm, hello! me!) to disaster tripping or catastrophising.
What is the absolute worst thing that could happen? And really, is it that bad?
Maybe it is. But just maybe, it’s not.
Next ask yourself what's the best / worst that could happen if you made decision B.
Ask what’s the best thing that could happen here? What’s the worst thing?
CREATE DISTANCE FROM THE DECISION
Let go of what you think you "should" do & imagine every possibility.
Go big & deep & wide with this one. What are ALL the possiblities? Yes even the slightly crazy ones. Think outside the box, beyond the stories you’ve been told or the things you believe.
Beyond the limitations you’ve placed on yourself. The limitations that conditioning, expectation and the “shoulds” place upon you.
Another way to create some distance from your decision is to imagine it’s not yours. For example, imagine what you’d say if your best friend came to you asking for your advice about a similar big decision. What would you say if you were your own best friend here?
This is an invitation to future-trip. Imagine yourself in 10, 20, 30 years time. What would you wish you'd decided? What would a future version of yourself, an older wiser version of you advise you to choose? If she could sit down with you right now, what would future you whisper in your ear?
Think in years, not days. How much will you regret this decision (or the indecision) in 10, 20 or 30 years’ time? Which is the choice that best serves who you want to be in 10, 20 or 30 years’ time?
Which decision steps you closer to the version of yourself & the life that you most crave for your future?
EXPLORE WHICH PART OF YOU WANTS WHAT
Different parts of you (or the same parts on different days) likely want different things.
The part of you that craves security & safety - financial, social, relational - may be begging you to stay.
The part of you that aches to be fully seen, heard & held in a relationship, to live a life as fully you might ache for you to leave.
Which part of you wants what? And of what you desire, what you want, what most deeply aligns with your core values, your big vision for yourself, your life. What most deeply makes your soul sing?
Try writing down what each part of you most desires.
Is there a third option that satisfies most of what your parts are craving? Are there ways you can show up as more fully you in this relationship & still have the security & safety you crave?
What do you want? And what do you most need?
MAKE A LIST OF DESIRED OUTCOMES
Release yourself from having to ‘know the answer’ for a moment.
Think of what you most want to achieve, rather than it simply being a yes / no, black / white, right / wrong decision.
What do you deep down, really, truly want for yourself?
Think about it and write it down. For example I want…
To be an equal decision maker in our shared life or
To have the power to make my own decisions
A passionate connection, great sex, my pleasure to be prioritised in our intimate life
To feel fully seen & heard
To not have to squash myself into a roll I’ve outgrown or never fit in the first place, or
To feel cherished & special every day
A more evenly shared parenting / housework / mental load
To have agency & sovereignty in my life
Whatever the things are for you. List them out.
How important is each of the outcomes you’ve listed? You can give it a rating out of 10 if you like. Or rank them most to least important.
Which decision A or B, C or D, more fully supports the outcomes you’re hoping for? Which decision is most aligned with the outcomes that are most important to you?
And which are in your own power to change, shift or create more of in your life? Regardless of “the” decision, which of your desired outcomes can you can you create more of in your life?
WRITE IT OUT
Set a timer for 5 minutes & free write about ONE of the options. Write from the perspective that it’s already reality. You’ve made this decision. Write without thinking too much about it, without judgement or worrying about grammar or even facts. And if you can, write without stopping until your timer goes off.
Once the timer has gone off, reflect on how it FELT (in your body, in your gut, in your head & in your heart) to be experiencing the decision as more of a reality?
What emotions or feelings came up as you wrote about each option?
Was one easier to imagine & write about than the other? This doesn’t mean that the ‘easy’ one is the ‘right’ one, it’s simply another indicator to reflect on.
BREAK IT DOWN
Does it really have to be an all-or-nothing decision right now?
Are there perhaps smaller decisions you can make, to step yourself toward making the bigger picture one?
Perhaps it’s choosing to re-connect or re-engage with your partner, finding small ways each day that you can show him / her how loved they are, how important they are in your life & that you care & want the best for them.
Maybe it’s about prioritising or making decisions for yourself, choosing a more self-loving, self-honouring path, rather than self-abandoning in order to keep the peace or make sure everyone else is happy.
It could be gaining full clarity on your family’s finances - making sure you have a full picture or what’s coming in, what’s going out & what it costs to live the life you live. Or educating yourself on pathways & options should you choose to leave the relationship.
Breaking a big, overwhelming & difficult decision into smaller parts can make it much more palatable and do-able.
SILENCING “SHOULD” / INNER CRITIC & SITTING WITH FEAR
This is quite possibly the B-I-G-G-E-S-T one. If you explore nothing else, I invite you to dig a little bit into this.
Allow space to sit with the indecision… allowing time & space to firstly hear, acknowledge then gently & compassionately silence the “shoulds” & sit in or accept the fear. Because you can’t (no matter how much you’d like to) squash it down forever. Fear will rise, eventually.
To find clarity, to even see your possibilities, you need to allow, accept, sit with and move through the fear (shitty as that is).
Allow fear to show up, allow it to rise & be seen, be present & part of the story but without driving the bus or even being the navigator.
Silencing the “I should…” narrative is huge.
We are all conditioned by our up-bringing, our family, our culture, our history. We all carry stories & baggage that inform our mindset & our choices.
What are yours? Knowing & recognising them is the first step. How are these stories showing up in your life, and in your decision making? How is your conditioning holding you back? Or driving you forward?
Are you making decision A because it’s what you’re ‘supposed’ to do?
Are you choosing B because you’re telling yourself it’s just what a ‘good’ wife / partner / woman / daughter, what a ‘good girl’ does?
Each time you come close to a decision… If you’ve worked out what it is you really want, or if you’re still weighing up the options, at some point the “yeah, but…” voices might pop up.
You’re thinking about option when you hear a niggly, nagging voice in your head say something like “yeah, but… that means X, Y or Z will happen…”
This your inner critic, trying hard to keep you ‘safe’ in a space that is known. Keeping you inside the lines, keeping you small & in your comfort zone.
It’s a fear based voice.
Work on taming or calming your inner critic (I have a podcast episode just for you) & releasing yourself from the should’s.
And from being pulled into making choices based on other people's expectations of what you ‘should’ do.
As well as working with your inner critic, it’s likely you’ll need to prepare yourself to silence the outer critics - well-meaning friends & family, darling & well-meaning loved ones - who will share their opinion of what you ‘should’ do or not do. You may need to gently remind them that the disaster story they are wanting to share with you is not actually helpful or supportive. Or, you may simply need to work on silencing what you imagine they will say, before they’ve even said it (hint: they may not, ever. This might just be another story you’re telling yourself)
PROCRASTINATION IS A CHOICE
Lastly, the decision NOT to make a decision, is a decision in itself.
Yep. Read that again.
The decision not to make a decision, is a decision in itself. AND that decision is just fine. Provided you’re clear on the decision. Provided it’s an active choice.
Procrastination is a choice.
As humans, when faced with 2 choices, we always have a third option - to decide to do nothing. Procrastination is not a refusal or an inability to decide. Rather, it’s an active choice to remain undecided. A perfectly valid choice to remain in indecision.
However, it’s a choice that doesn’t allow you to avoid the pain of making a decision but instead prolongs, magnifies & multiplies the pain…
When you choose procrastination, you live the pain every moment of every day, until you get to a point where you finally decide.
There's rarely ONE single right black or white decision.
Making hard decisions is about sitting in the grey. Sitting in the discomfort of the liminal space.
It’s about feeling fear & choosing you anyway.
Whichever decision you make, it’s about choosing possibility over certainty.