MAKING HARD DECISIONS - Part 1
Are you turning circles in the same spot? Asking yourself the same questions on loop? Wondering whether it’s time, this time, to call it quits on your marriage or relationship?
Feeling stuck in & overwhelmed by the inability to make a decision is a lonely, painful place.
You’re worried about #allthethings
Money. Financial independence. How you’ll fund a single income life. Whether you’ll have to pay your partner child support.
Where you’ll live. Can you keep the house? Should you? Do you even want to?
Or will you have to relocate? Downsize?
Maybe you’re worried about the impact on your kids. What happens for your kids if you choose to stay? What impact will it have on them should you choose to leave? Will they be OK? And how will you react when you perhaps don’t see them every single day?
There’s concern about upsetting, disappointing or potentially losing relationships with friends & extended family. How your social connections will be changed. Who will pick sides.
There’s the likelihood of a big shift or change in your lifestyle.
What about work? Will you have to change, up-level, or down-grade your work life as a single or co-parent?
How will you split money, property, assets? Who gets what, including the dog?
And perhaps there’s the complications of guilt or shame to navigate.
And then what about recreating or rejuvenating your relationship? Healing & reconnecting? Is it possible? Can you find your way back to one another? Or is it just all too hard?
Or maybe, deep down, you’re worried if you leave, you’ll be alone & never find or feel love again.
You’re worried you’ll regret staying.
And you’re equally worried you’ll regret leaving.
WHY is this decision so hard? There are many reasons, but here’s the main ones I see with my clients:
1. THERE’S NO ONE RIGHT CHOICE
It seems like there’s no definitive ONE right path. There’s no one single right choice.
This can especially be true when the relationship or marriage isn’t “that bad”... it’s just not lighting you up. There is guilt about divorcing such a “nice” person & the way out just doesn’t seem clear. You’re not sure what your next best step is.
You’re constantly weighing up the pros & cons of each option & your “answer” switches from one day to the next.
2. THE STAKES ARE HIGH
Let’s be real here. For most facing the decision to leave a long term partnership, relationship or marriage, the stakes seem especially high. And there’s fear that there will be no going back. That you will blow everything up.
Perhaps it’s the money & financial impact. You know this will be significant & you’re not sure you’ll manage the juggle on your own.
Perhaps for you, it’s all about the kids and how it will affect them.
Maybe you’re worried about what it means for your work life, your friendships, your retirement. Your hopes & dreams. You may also be worried about what everyone else will think.
It’s a big, life changing decision that has a whole host of knock on effects & any decision can simply feel too much.
You know the decision will be life-changing. And you’re not sure just how much that will be.
It’s a big f*ng deal to leave what you once believed was your “happy ever after”.
Whatever your personal circumstances, this decision is a life-changer.
3. FEAR
FEAR. FEAR. FEAR. Being afraid to make the “wrong” decision.
Afraid of staying. Afraid of leaving. Afraid of what’s out there, on the other side of your decision, whatever choice you make.
There’s so much that is unknown & out of your capacity to hold or control. Fear of losing control.
How your partner will react & respond.
Of how others will respond.
Fear of how you will cope as a single person, solo mama.
Fear of all those things you’re worried about. The things you mull over in the quiet hours of the morning when you can’t sleep.
Fear of the unknown keeps you in this holding pattern.
MAKING THE HARDEST DECISION - why it’s so difficult
The word “decide” comes from the Latin, decidere, which is actually a combination of two words: de = 'OFF' + caedere = 'CUT'
So to “decide” literally means to cut ourselves off from other options or pathways. That’s scary. It (obviously) involves loss & brings up grief. So when we sit in this type of indecision, we’re grieving the THOUGHT of what choosing means before we’ve even made the decision.
Grieving pre-emptively.
And that grief further clouds our ability to look at things clearly, make a decision.
Stepping outside our comfort zone & choosing something that means by necessity we must embrace fear is hard. And it can be lonely.
But… It can also be LIBERATING.
It can mean reclaiming & reinventing yourself. Redefining your life.
Making hard decisions is about stepping forward in spite of your fear.
It’s about feeling fear & choosing anyway. It’s about feeling afraid, but also deeply trusting that you will be OK.
It’s about CHOOSING YOU.
And there comes a time, for each of us, when we can’t remain stuck. We can’t sit any longer, in indecision. The call to actively choose ourselves becomes too loud to ignore.
And if that’s where you are, DOWNLOAD your free “CHOOSE YOU” guidebook which steps you through one process I use with my clients to shift your mindset, re-write the stories you’re telling yourself & CHOOSE YOU.
Watch for my next blog post on what to do if you’re paralysed by indecisions.