5 Subtle Signs Your Relationship Is Not As Healthy As You Think
5 SUBTLE SIGNS YOUR RELATIONSHIP MIGHT NOT BE
AS HEALTHY AS YOU THINK
Sometimes, it’s easy to ignore or downplay the more subtle signs that a relationship is not quite as healthy as we think.
Life gets busy, right? And, for all sorts of reasons, we’ve probably all been guilty at times of letting things slide, allowing over-steps or transgressions to go unremarked or unaddressed. Accepting circumstances, behaviours or reactions, that are less than healthy… & all of a sudden, they’ve become a part of our everyday.
Embedded & accepted in our relationship as “normal.”
If you’re reading this, it’s a fair guess that you’re feeling unsettled or unhappy in your relationship. You might even be asking asking some hard questions or wondering whether to stay or go.
I’m going to bet that you’ve felt or are feeling some resentment & frustration - both of which are a sure sign something’s not right, that you need to tighten up your boundaries, more openly express your needs, claim time & space for yourself.
If you’re here, it’s probable things are not quite as happy, harmonious & healthy in your relationship or your love life, as they could be.
So, let me step you through a handful of the more subtle signs that your relationship might need some tending or a reboot. Or more.
IT FEELS HARD & THE LOAD ISN’T SHARED
And it feels as if you're the only one doing the heavy lifting, doing the work, putting in the effort. You’re carrying all of the emotional load & doing all of the emotional labour. It’s you doing all the work, sharing all the love, reaching out to create connection. It’s you making all the compromises, initiating the discussions & any negotiation is one sided and comes from you.
Of course relationships are seasonal, and it’s a myth to believe that there won’t be seasons where one of you carries more of the load or when it’s a wintery time for you as a couple however, healthy relationships involved a shared commitment to doing the work & holding the load; they require compromise, co-operation, give & take, but if this one feels it's always all give & no take from your end, it’s time to ask some deeper questions.
2. SILENCE SHOWS UP
One, or both of you stays silent. You feel there's not much point in speaking your truth. You often choose to remain silent, you don't feel able to say what you think or feel & you don't ask for or claim what you want. Perhaps you believe there’s no point. You withhold your thoughts, preferences, ideas, feelings, opinions & desires because your experience tells you, you won't be heard.
Or, your partner chooses not to share their own thoughts, ideas, feelings, hopes & dreams with you. Perhaps silence is used punitively, after conflict or disagreement. Or it’s a form of withdrawal or shut down, with one of you having given up sharing or one of you stonewalling & avoiding confrontation or conflict by retreating into silence.
An increasing silence is a subtle but sure sign that someone is not feeling seen or met, & is obviously not being heard in the relationship. OR that one or both of you is unwilling to step into & then move through the discomfort of disagreement & conflict.
“Sometimes a fight saves a relationship,
where SILENCE breaks it.
Speak up for your heart.”
3. THE 4 HORSEMEN RIDE IN
CRITICISM. CONTEMPT. DEFENSIVENESS. STONEWALLING.
Criticism, contempt, defensiveness & stonewalling are what renowned relationship expert John Gottman calls the Four Horsemen of relationships. They are powerful predictors of the longevity (aka ending) of a relationship. And really, these are not so subtle signs of dis-ease, disharmony & dysfunction in a relationship.
Criticism. There’s a distinct difference between criticising one another and sharing feedback or voicing a concern. The latter involve a request for a need to be met & are focused on behaviour whereas criticism is an attack on the character of your partner. Undermining. Harsh. Rather than constructive & seeking growth & change.
Contempt shows up in mean & disrespectful interactions; communicating from a position of moral or intellectual superiority & can look like name calling, sarcasm, back-handed “compliments” or behaviours such as eye-rolling, turning one’s back or scoffing.
Defensiveness. No-one really likes being criticised & responding with defensiveness is common. Defending. Blocking. Refusing to accept responsibility or culpability. Making excuses. All sends clear messages that we don’t take our partner’s concerns seriously.
Defensiveness switches blame & responsibility onto our partner & creates disconnect & undermines trust.
Stonewalling is the double whammy of "the silent treatment" coupled with an emotional shut down, where one of you refuses to communicate, intentionally shuts down during an argument, withdraws & closes off from any further engagement.
A partner who stonewalls is unresponsive or evasive, turns away, acts busy or tunes out and you regularly feel as if you're knocking on a door that won't open.
If any of all of the 4 Horsemen are regulars in your communication & interactions, it’s a not-so-subtle-sign that it’s time to look for healthier ways to engage.
4. NO IS NOT AN EASY OPTION.
You're cautious about saying NO, or when you say no, you feel the need to defend your decision or there are consequences.
Being able to safely say "no" is a sure sign of a healthy relationship.
Of course, being in relationship with another human will inevitably require compromise but healthy boundaries are equally important and being able to communicate what you don't want, as well as what you do, say no and have that respected is critical.
A respectful, loving partner honours you're right to a different opinion, honours your wants & needs as well as their own, and knows you're not going to agree with everything or want exactly what they want, all of the time.
If you hesitate to say no. If when you do say no, or disagree, or choose something other than what your partner most wants, it is not accepted with grace - or is met with one of our unwelcome mates, the 4 Horsemen - there’s some work to be done.
5. THERE’S NO ROOM FOR YOU
You feel there’s no room for you… that you have to make yourself smaller to “fit” into the relationship, that you’ve lost sight of yourself, your hopes, your dreams, your desires. You feel like you've lost sense of who you are.
A healthy relationship expands & uplifts you; feels like it challenges & supports & encourages you to be the best version of yourself, to shine brightly AF & BE all of who you are. If however, being in your relationship feels like it's diminishing, minimising, suffocating or squashing you, or that you need to hide parts of your true self, it’s a sign there’s something not right.
A healthy relationship allows you to show up as the whole being you are; it sees, holds, welcomes & honours ALL of you. Light & shadow.
Relationships have seasons & simply because some or all of these signs are present in yours, doesn’t necessarily mean it’s over.
There are many reasons you may find yourself in an unhealthy, dysfunctional, even toxic relationship and NONE of them are about how smart, kind, courageous & savvy you are. Some of these signs are simply that - SIGNS. Signs there’s work to be done. By both of you (see No1 above). Signs there are decisihttps://www.reflectcoaching.com.au/reflectblog/should-i-stay-or-leaveons to be made.
AND… these signs may just be a flag that you need to pause, take a breath, unpack, unravel & bring to light what you’ve been holding in your heart. And while it may be tempting to delay accepting the reality of what’s true, and say “I’ll take next steps when…” remember that time is a finite resource you never get back.
Life is short. YOU get to write your next chapter.
If you recognise any or all of these sneaky signs in your relationship, there are ways to move forward.
UNRAVEL is my confidential, online, self-paced course to help you find answers
A private, safe space to explore the questions you're asking about your relationship.
A deep & confidential exploration of
Who you are & who you want to be
What's most deeply important to you - in your relationship & in your life
What you most want for yourself
It's an opportunity to
💫 RECLAIM yourself & your power
💫 DEEPEN your self-trust
💫 CLARIFY your thinking
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