7 KINDS OF LOVING A HEALTHY RELATIONSHIP NEEDS
7 KINDS OF LOVING A HEALTHY RELATIONSHIP NEEDS
LOVING CARE & KINDNESS
A healthy relationship needs care & kindness. Do you each show kindness & actively care for one another? Do you do kind things for one another? Speak gently, kindly, lovingly to each other.
Are your words & actions caring & kind? This might come easily if acts of service or words of affirmation iare one of your love languages. Or it might be something that needs more awareness from you.
Do you look out for one another & seek out ways you can make your partner’s life, day, easier, happier, more joyful?
This doesn’t mean self-sacrificing, putting your own needs last, or always prioritising your partner’s desires, joy & satisfaction ahead of your own. But do you choose to share, offer or do things that bring joy & show loving care & kindness?
Whether conscious or subconscious, do you act in ways & make choices that make a simple, loving difference in your partner’s day?
Or is your partner (are you for them) more of an after thought in a busy life?
Loving care & kindness means you think, behave, speak & act in ways that show you genuinely want the best for your partner; that you strive to give them a little goodness, loving care & kindness every day.
2. LOVING INTEREST & LOVING CURIOSITY
OK so he likes classical music & you prefer rock. You love the beach while he can’t get enough of the snow. Loving interest isn’t necessarily about sharing the exact same interests or hobbies, although some shared, common interests are helpful if you want to spend time together.
It’s more about showing loving interest in YOUR PERSON. Actively being interested in their life journey, the seasons of their life. Showing loving interest for THEM & their human experience. For their hopes & dreams, likes & dislikes, future vision. Life plans & goals. Loving interest in what is most important to them - and likewise they for you. Loving interest in what makes each of you tick, what lights you up, what your core life values are.
And when - inevitably - things don’t align or you’re not on exactly the same page… leading with loving interest & loving CURIOSITY, rather than dropping into judgement or blame about your difference. Embracing & meeting your partner, in their difference, with loving curiosity.
3. LOVING ACCEPTANCE
Can you honestly say you love & accept your partner exactly as they are, without wanting them to change? That you love & accept them without condition.
Or are there secret (perhaps not so secret) things you’d really like to change about them; or that you wish they would change about themselves?
Maybe you find yourself thinking “if only he…” or “if only she…” on the regular. Pondering the ways they could change, do things or be different “and then…” they’d be perfect. THEN you could love them completely. Unconditionally.
Perhaps you are more in love with or invested in their potential; the possibility of who they COULD be (if only….). Loving acceptance means loving our partner in this moment, without condition, without judgement, wholly accepting them for exactly who they are at this point in time.
Holding, loving & accepting the person your partner IS, rather than seeking to mould them to what you WANT them to be, is deeply loving.
There is power in lovingly accepting each other for who you are rather than clinging to potential or dreaming of the changes you’d most like to see.
4. LOVING UNDERSTANDING & COMPASSION
Is showing up for each other, showing up for your partner & for the relationship with understanding & compassion part of your connection? And if understanding is challenging for one or both of you, is there at the very least an attempt at understanding one another?
Holding your partner, in whatever season of life they are in - the celebration or the trenches, the joy or the sadness. Again, not self-sacrificing, not trying to fix things for them, or fix THEM but holding their hand, walking solidly beside them as you move together through life.
Loving compassion also means compassionately speaking your truth, while understanding & accepting that your partner may not share that same truth. Bringing curiosity (again) & empathy to the relationship, to each other.
Allowing differences (see also Loving Acceptance & Loving Conflict) while still holding each other, walking together in the same direction, with the same desired life goal.
Are you there for each other, through the seasons of life with loving understanding & compassion?
5. LOVING CONNECTION
Loving connection is all about engagement & presence. Being present with each other. Not (well… not always, because in busy lives, it’s going to happen sometimes ) distracted, busy, aloof, disengaged.
Really listening to each other. Focusing on the words spoken & also those that remain unspoken. Mindful of body language & the unspoken connections or messaged. Deeply, actively listening to hear & understand, not simply waiting for your turn next to speak
Turning towards each other’s bids for attention & connection. Reaching for each other - physically yes, but metaphorically too - throughout your days, making sure you remain connected & engaged with one another, even if you’re apart. Even in the busiest seasons of life.
Loving connection requires presence. Getting out of your head, leaving white space for the two of you, being mindfully present with each other, rather than ruminating over past events (either between you or just life in general) or future tripping, worrying & projecting. Being present.
Turning towards each other. Meeting & being met. Loving connection asks that we leave judgement & criticism out of our relationship and we approach each other with grace, curiosity & a desire to be better humans, to build a better, healthier, happier version of relationship
6. LOVING COMMUNICATION
Loving connection requires & blossoms when we share HEALTHY, LOVING, COMMUNICATION.
Being able to express yourself, lovingly, compassionately, openly, fully. Being able to tend, turn towards Y hear your partner.
Loving communication means being open & willing to having the deep, and sometimes hard conversations.
It means sharing your thoughts, feelings, hopes, dreams & needs. And asking from a place of connection, that those needs be met.
Loving communication is about the words & tone we choose when speaking with our partner. It means responding not reacting. It means answering & offering & sharing.
It asks that we remain connected & engaged, even when we’re activated or triggered. Asking for time & space if that’s what we need, to come back to a healthy way of communicating.
Loving communication means we need to speak up for ourselves as well as hear what our partner has to say. Loving communication means verbalising or making known our boundaries, our non-negotiables, saying no when we need to and saying a full body YES when we want to.
Loving communication is self-honouring (rather than self-abandoning), while also honouring the other; it is open & honest.
7. LOVING CONFLICT
It might seem counterintuitive but loving conflict is one of the most important kinds of loving you can bring to a healthy relationship. The way couples disagree, navigate conflict, move through it, repair & reconnect afterwards is a major indicator of the health of a relationship & a predictor of its long-term survival,
A healthy relationship is not one which is devoid of conflict, where you never disagree or argue or misunderstand one another. Rather it is one where conflict is met with curiosity, acceptance rather than attack, and is moved through. To resolution. A healthy relationship is one where conflict is met with love, not fear, dismissal, anger, aggression or deflection.
Not many of us really welcome conflict, but it’s inevitable as humans that we bump up against or misunderstand one another & come into conflict. To co-create a healthy relationship requires healthy, loving, self-loving ways of navigating & moving through it.
Standing in it. Standing in the discomfort of conflict to create a deeper connection & more loving relationship.
Being able to find your way back to one another after an argument, after conflict or rupture, own what’s yours, apologise, make good, move through the conflict and repair is deeply loving.
And a game changer for relationships.
If your marriage, your relationship, your love doesn’t Look or feel quite like you hoped… Doesn’t have these kinds of loving present at least some of the time…
If you’re feeling overwhelmed & confused & you’re turning in circles asking the same questions on loop…
If the noise in your head is loud & insistent… And the niggling that something’s not quite right just won’t go away…
If you’re wondering whether to stay or go or…
You know it’s time to leave but your paralysed by fear or indecision…
If you feel like there’s too many questions & no clear answers or solutions
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