Parallel Parenting - what is it and how do you do it?
It’s no secret. Parenting is hard.
And, while you’re navigating divorce, or re-setting your life afterwards, it’s even harder.
Emotions are raw. Pain and anger cloud your judgement. Communication is fraught. Conflict and disagreement are part of the territory. You’re bound together forever by the beautiful children you share. You are forced, for the love of your kids, to deal with a person you’d frankly rather never see again.
Often, this melting pot makes collaborative and effective co-parenting impossible.
While it’s true that this super-charged emotional state often settles with some time and space, if you and your ex are struggling to co-parent calmly, a parallel parenting model may work better for you. But what is parallel parenting and how does it work?
Parallel parenting is where parents co-parent but by disengaging from one another, having limited direct contact or face-to-face interactions. It’s useful for parents who share custody but find it difficult to interact or problem solve and helps ex-partners disconnect from one another while enabling them both to remain fully connected to their children.
Major decisions (living arrangements, health, education, religion, etc.) are made jointly with both parents having equal input. These bigger ticket items can be negotiated and set early in the process, most usually with the support of a coach, mediator and lawyers, and outlined in a parenting plan.
Routine, day-to-day parenting decisions are made by whichever parent the child is with at the time. Bed time. Screen time. Activities. School lunches and food choices.
A parallel parenting model shields children from much of the conflict between their parents, protects them and preserves their relationship with BOTH parents. The model prevents kids being placed BETWEEN their parents, especially when there are high levels of conflict. Children can maintain a strong and healthy relationship with each of their parents, outside of the conflict and difficulty the adults experience with one another. Kids come first.
Co-Parenting is, by comparison, much more collaborative and requires a commitment to spending time and energy as parents coming to an agreement about daily routines as well as the bigger parenting issues, problem solving and collaborating. In a high conflict situation, where it is difficult for one or both of the adults to maintain calm, respectful communication especially in front of the children, a parallel model can be very effective.
So, in practical terms, HOW DOES PARALLEL PARENTING WORK?
There is minimal interaction between the co-parents – change over takes place in a neutral space such as school or childcare, or may be a walk-in-walk-out type arrangement. Dad arrives, kids say goodbye to Mum and walk out the door to the car, while Mum waves farewell.
Parents share information about events in the child’s life and each makes their own decision or arrangements to attend or not.
Communication is limited to writing – email or via a parenting app – to minimise conflict. It’s kept on topic (i.e. about the children only), business like, factual, devoid of emotion. It is purely informative - what’s happening for the children, logistics, etc.
The kids have two houses, two routines and two sets of rules. Co-parents stay uninvolved in what happens at the other home (neglect or abuse being an entirely different matter, of course). What goes on at the other parent’s house is NOT YOUR BUSINESS. For many families, this arrangement means the kids take a little while to adjust / readjust to each space and can be a little unsettled for a short time after each transition, although this tends to ease with time and maturity.
The parallel parenting model is built on the assumption and trust that both parents have the children’s best interests at heart but choose different styles of parenting – one is not right or wrong, just different. You don’t have control over or a say about what happens in the other house, just as your co-parent has no say what happens when your child is being parented by you. Each of you accepts that your co-parent is doing his / her best and, if you can’t accept this, just accept that it’s near enough. It might not be the way you would do it, or the way you want it done, but it’s OK. After all, it’s not about you. It’s about the kids.
What are the BENEFITS OF PARALLEL PARENTING?
1. Kids get to be kids not get involved in the grown-up’s conflict. They are isolated from the conflict between their parents and can move freely between two loving homes, without carrying adult emotional baggage with them.
2. It reduces stress in both parents and in kids. Less conflict means less stress for everyone.
3. Focuses on the needs of the children - parents’ wants and needs become secondary to those of the kids.
4. Allows children to maintain a positive and healthy relationship with BOTH parents. There’s no good guy / bad guy. Kids aren’t stuck in between two parents they love equally. Everybody wins.
Often, as time passes, the dust settles on the emotions and high conflict. The parallel parenting model morphs and changes, allowing co-parents to eventually adopt a more co-operative style. When each parent maintains their end of the parallel parenting agreement, respecting the boundaries and upholding the arrangements agreed upon, trust is gradually built and many parents find with the passage of time, they are able to put aside their feelings of hostility and move towards a more collaborative model gradually involving more direct communication, negotiation and engagement.
Conflict and disagreement are almost certainly inevitable in divorce (hey, you’re getting divorced for a reason, right?). Parallel parenting can both protect your children from the conflict and begin the healing process you all most need to move forward.
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