What Your Kids Need If You're Getting Divorced

There are a few key things your kids need from you as you navigate your divorce.

1.    A UNITED FAMILY – yes, even while you dismantle your relationship with your ex-partner, your kids need to know they still have a family unit. While it’s not always possible, it’s helpful if you can both speak openly & honestly with your kids. Discuss together how you will, as parents, tell the kids. Where. When. What. Decide ahead of time, how much detail you’re willing to share, keeping it age & stage appropriate. Tell them together, as co-parents and tell ALL the kids at the same time. And continue, as much as you can, to involve your ex-partner in all things related to your kids.

2.    TO KNOW THEY ARE LOVED – reassure your kids that you will both love them as much as you ever did & that will never change. Divorce raises questions for kids; fears & stories about love & its longevity. It makes kids question love – the realisation that sometimes, it doesn’t last forever so they need deep reassurance that you will both love them unconditionally & always.

3.    TO FEEL – Allow them to feel ALL of the emotions that surface for them. Reassure them that it’s OK to be sad. It’s OK to be angry. It's OK to be relieved. It’s OK to feel whatever it is that they are feeling. Support them to express their feelings openly & in constructive ways. In our family, stomping your feet on the floor, punching your pillow or yelling into a cushion are OK ways of expressing anger, but so is saying “I’m soooooo p#$@d off right now I can’t even speak.” Find constructive ways for your kids to allow all of their feelings.

4.    TO KNOW IT’S NOT THEIRS – reassure them the divorce is not their fault. Not even a little bit their fault. It’s not their problem to carry. It’s not their responsibility to fix. It’s not theirs. The problem is not theirs. It’s between the adults only. It is an adult problem and NOTHING they did or did not do caused the separation of their parents. It’s not their fault.

5.    BOTH OF YOU THERE – remind them you are both still there for them. Allow space for them to talk with both parents openly, either together or separately. Let them know that it’s OK to talk, to tell you what you’re feeling. Allow space to talk, to listen, to help them understand. Sometimes your kids will need to talk. Sometimes, all they need is a hug or some one-on-one time with you or your ex-partner. Use words, but also your time & attention to remind them that you are, and will always be, available to them to support & help them process what’s going on for them. Remind them not to stay quiet or bottle things up if they are worried, angry or concerned. It’s OK to talk (and sometimes it’s OK not to talk). But remind them you’re both still there for them.

6.    A VOICE – give your kids an opportunity to speak only about what they want moving forward, age & developmental stage appropriate. Give them a chance to be involved in the process, if not the final decision-making stage. Validate them, their thoughts, feelings & ideas. Allow them some agency, without overwhelming or burdening them with decisions they aren’t mature enough to navigate.

7.    KINDNESS, COURTESY & RESPECT – for them yes, but especially their other parent. I will never forget hearing about one young child who said “I’m half of each of you so when you speak badly of or are mean about my other parent, you’re speaking badly of and being mean to half of me.” Your kids need you to speak of and treat their other parent with kindness, courtesy & respect. Save your complaints & frustrations for a trusted adult, not your kids. And don't speak badly of their other parent in front of or to them. Ever.

8. CLEAR SPACE - kids need to be kept out of the middle. To be shielded from any conflict or disagreement between you & your ex-partner. Kids need clear space from parental conflict so they don't feel like they are messengers between you & your ex, asked to report what's happening in the other parents' home or feel they need to be the peacekeepers. Offer your kids the opportunity of clear space between their parents.

9.    A TEAM OF SUPPORTERS – gather others around your kids who can support & care for them. Grandparents. Aunts & Uncles. Friends. Teachers. Coaches. In our family, we call these people our “catchers” – the ones we can turn to or lean on if we don’t feel we can talk to each other, or my kids don’t feel like it’s stuff they want to share with me, or their Dad. Remind your kids that there are many people in their lives who love & will hold them. Through this, and life more broadly.

10.    TO KNOW IT WILL BE OK – yes, family life, daily life will look different. Yes, things will change & those changes will take time to adjust to. For all of you. But reassure them that it WILL be OK. That you will hold them through this; you will put them first and do your best to make sure they are OK. It will be hard at times, but it will – they will - be OK.

Collaborative divorce & co-operative co-parenting isn't always possible in every family. Even if your separation is not collaborative, keeping these needs at the forefront of your mind is deeply supportive for your children.

If you would like to explore how the deeply nurturing & supportive experience of coaching with me supports you (and therefore your kids) through divorce and beyond, email me sallyanne@reflectcoaching.com.au or check out my LIBERATE Coaching Program - a deeply nurturing, supportive experience to help you reset, redefine & reclaim your life through divorce & liberate you to fly solo afterwards.

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