CHOOSE YOU

CHOOSING YOURSELF ISN’T CHOOSING COMFORT

Choosing yourself, repeatedly, over & over, every single time… choosing you isn't always easy. It’s not always comfortable or convenient. Especially at first, as you heal & move from self-abandonment to self-honouring, choosing yourself doesn’t always feel like the “right” thing. It’s a process. An unlearning. A leaning in.

And I know, as you probably do too, that choosing yourself is likely to trigger or activate others. Maybe choosing you means you disappoint, upset or let others down. You will certainly disrupt others’ beliefs about you & nudge them out of the comfortable zone where you made everything OK. You will challenge what they think or feel or believe about you. But…

There comes a time when you can’t NOT choose yourself.

And for many of us, that time, if it hasn’t happened already, if it’s not right now, that time is coming soon.

Collectively we’re tired. You are tired. Tired of feeling not fully seen. Tired of being not fully heard. Definitely tired of being not fully allowed or embraced. Not fully you.

Tired of keeping things together. Juggling all the things & wearing all the hats.

Tired of all of that juggling, holding, keeping things together & getting all the things done, leading to feelings of resentment & frustration.

And, tired of pretending that where you are, how things are, how you’re moving through this one wild precious life is OK.

Knowing that while it is kind of OK, or at least not bad, it’s not really lighting you up and you KNOW that there’s more. There could be more. You want more. You can accept where you are, even be grateful for what you have & where you are and still want more.

So, it’s time.

It’s a time of reckoning. A time of release. A time to reclaim who you are and how you want this next season of your life to look & most importantly, how you want it to FEEL.

Because settling. Staying in the same place, telling yourself the same story. Abandoning your hopes, your dreams, abandoning yourself. Going through this one precious life of yours with a restless soul and a tired heart, with a head and a heart full of questions… is not ever going to light you up.

We're taught (even in 2022) from a young age a whole lot of rules and guidelines and told a whole lot of B.S. stories about what it means to be female. A girl. A woman. As girls, as women, as mothers we are told or taught, either by what’s said to us directly, or by how our behaviours are viewed, accepted, dismissed or rewarded that we are supposed to…

Care about & care for others
Look out for our friends, family, colleagues, kids
Mistrust our bodies; not listen to the signals our bodies send us
Do it ourselves
But not be too independent
Have a successful career
Be financially independent
Make sure we have children, become mothers… the most important thing we could do
Have children, breed…, but not have our babies too young
Not leave it too late to have babies
Be primary carer for our children
Contribute financially to the family
Make sure everyone else is OK first
Put ourselves last on the list
Accept the status quo
Be a good daughter, mother, wife
Be a good girl
Be nice.
Smile.
Whatever the hell is going on inside you, whatever you’re thinking, regardless of what you’re feeling… make sure you be nice & SMILE

We are shown through the media, through the way others (often men) react to us that:

Our bodies aren’t exclusively our own or
Our bodies aren’t good enough, beautiful enough, thin enough, soft enough
The way we look is more important than the things we can do or what we know
Being a mother is the highest achievement but that
Being a mother isn’t actually valued or deemed worthy of recompense
The feminine is weak
Masculine is strong
We can’t trust ourselves but “should” listen to others who supposedly know better than we do.

The messages are unspoken but clear that we should, or we must:

Prove we’re worthy, rather than acknowledge we’re born damn worthy
Prove we’re better, stronger, more capable
But also not be too good at what we do, outsmart, overshadow or show up anyone else
Place our happiness in the hands of others
Serve, wait, sacrifice
Question & doubt ourselves and our abilities
Question & doubt & fail to trust our intuition, knowledge, inner power
Work hard to keep ourselves safe, rather than assuming we are always safe

We’re told in countless ways, big & small, overt & subliminal...

Our wants & needs are secondary to others
Our pleasure is not important
To minimise, postpone or push down our desires
We should feel guilt for being good, successful, achieving (again, don’t be too good, too successful)
To feel guilt for not being good, successful or achieving enough
We should give. And give. And give a little bit more.
It’s better to give rather than receive
We should find a partner, we “need” a partner, but also…
We should not rely on a partner and
We should be able to do everything on our own
We’re not good at money, or numbers, or business or science or tech or cars (or… insert whatever other thing you’ve been told you’re not good at here_______)
Our dreams are unrealistic
Our expectations are too high
Our emotions are too much

We’re told that we’re “too”.....

Too old. Too young. Too inexperienced. We've been too long out of the workforce.

Too fat, too thin, too tall, too loud, too muscular, too hairy, Too wrinkled or we’ve had too much work done. We haven’t had enough work done; haven’t looked after ourselves. Have let ourselves go.

Maybe we are told we are too noisy, too loud or we take up too much space. Too independent. Too demanding or that our expectations are too high. That we are too masculine. Too fierce. Too opinionated. Too powerful. Too strong. Too successful. Just too damn much.

We are told in so many ways we are too much.

We’re taught not to ask or demand or request of others. Not to be too much, but also not to demand too much. Not to have needs, not to openly state them and definitely not demand they be met. We’re taught in so many ways, that what we crave, need, desire is well… a little too much.

We’re taught we are valued and valuable when we take care of things for others. We’re taught to be self-sufficient, self-reliant. And we’re also told not to be needy. Or clingy. Or emotional. Not to be angry or frustrated or annoyed. Because if we are, we’re accused of being snarky, bitchy, hard to satisfy (ummm… yeah…) demanding, argumentative. Of nagging. Or god-forbid, unladylike.

Give me unladylike any day of the week, just quietly.
Or loudly.
I don’t mind.

We’re told not to ask for too much, or do it too loudly but also not to be too meek or too stand-off-ish or aloof.

Or we are told we’re NOT ENOUGH

Not good enough
Not smart enough
Not educated enough
Not skinny enough
Not pretty enough
Not successful enough
Not rich enough
Not…. enough

And we are taught to seek permission, validation, love and happiness from OUTSIDE ourselves.

And I say f**k that!

It’s time to choose.

Time to choose YOU.

If know you’re ready to take your next step & you’re seeking deep nurture & support to CHOOSE YOU this is for you, dear one. My FREE CHOOSE YOU GUIDEBOOK will help you take your first steps.

The "Choose You" guidebook

For you if you are…

in a relationship that doesn't feel fabulous & if that's not you (yay!!!) maybe it's a girlfriend you know.
wondering where you fit in your marriage, your life or how you got here
asking “is this ALL there is for me?”
feeling unsettled or uncertain in your relationship or marriage, asking all the questions on repeat without finding the answers.
navigating separation or divorce or working out how best to fly solo afterwards.

DOWNLOAD YOUR GUIDEBOOK

And, if it’s not for you, is there someone else in your life you can share this with or gift it to?