SHOULD I STAY? OR SHOULD I GO?

Turning circles on the spot. Having conversations with yourself (& maybe with your partner) over & over without finding resolution or a coming to a clear decision. Unable to answer the “should I stay or leave” question is a lonely place to be. And if you’ve been there for a while, it’s exhausting.

And it becomes an invitation. To look closely at your relationship, yes & also at yourself.

What part is yours to own in healing this relationship? What do you need to learn, heal, grow into, for this relationship to feel happy again if you stay?

If you choose to go, what do you need to bring to the light, acknowledge, own & heal to make your next relationship a happy & healthy one.

And is your current relationship really unhappy or is it just a little neglected, because well… life, right?

An honest exploration of your (& if you’re brave enough to share, your partner’s) answers to some of these questions can also help move you out of the endless spiral & towards clarity.

‘1. Are you unhappy more often than not? Feeling unhappy at times is normal, but feeling unhappy MOST of the time can be an indication of a bigger or deeper issue.

2. Can you, in an emotionally safe way, raise issues of concern with your partner, discuss & resolve them? Or does every conversation turn to an argument that festers & remains unresolved? Do you avoid raising certain topics or talking to your partner at all, to avoid conflict & arguments?

3. Is there mutual respect & kindness present, even sometimes? Or is there more contempt, criticism & defensiveness? Do you still like one another?

4. If not for the kids, would you leave? Are you staying only for the sake of the children? Or for the child / children you deeply want to have? If you didn’t have kids together, would you already be gone?

5. Money. Is your financial situation keeping you stuck? If you were sure you would be financially secure, or at least OK, would you leave? Are financial concerns keeping you from leaving?

6. Do you avoid being in the same space, connecting with or having conversations with your partner? Do you avoid spending time together, especially one-on-one? If you do, why? What’s underneath your avoidance?

7. Are you continually complaining to your friends, family or work colleagues about your relationship, about your partner? Do you unpack your relationship with others, seeking answers that you can never seem to find? Do you look at other relationships with envy, comparing them with yours, knowing deep down that elements of your relationship just don’t match up?

8. Are others concerned about your wellbeing in your relationship? Do your friends or family, does your therapist believe the relationship is unhealthy & you would be happier without it? Does your best friend think you should leave? Or are you too afraid to ask his / her opinion because you secretly know they will say yes, you should?

NB: I’m not talking here about physical & emotional safety - if you feel unsafe, if you are unsafe, there is no question. Do whatever you need to leave safely. Check out this podcast episode

9. Are you constantly googling things like “Is my marriage over?” “How to know you should leave your relationship?” or “Is my relationship toxic?” or searching for family lawyers, financial advisors & other supports.

10. Is sex & physical intimacy non-existent between you & your partner? Do you avoid it altogether or avoid situations where it might happen e.g. going to bed earlier or later than your partner? Does the thought of physical intimacy with your partner, the idea of having sex with him or her make you want to run & hide?

11. Are you dreaming of a new version of your life? Dreaming about a solo life, someone else (real or imaginary); dreaming of a life that doesn’t include your partner? And does this dream life feel liberating?

12. Are you more deeply connected, on an emotional level with others (friends, colleagues, the cute barista in your local cafe) than with your partner? Are you having an emotional (or physical) affair with someone else?

13. Do you feel emotionally supported, seen, heard & held in your relationship? Or do you feel you’re flying solo in the emotion department? Are your emotional needs being ignored or neglected? Does your partner at least try to meet your needs in the relationship?

14. Are you formulating a plan to leave? Saving money in a separate account? Researching properties online? Checking out family lawyers & googling “divorce”?

15. Are you hiding parts of yourself - thoughts, ideas, feelings, emotions - in your relationship, suppressing or withholding parts of yourself hiding from your partner? Do you feel you can’t show the “real” you in your relationship?

(If it’s a YES to this… check out my podcast episodes on Self-Abandonment)

16. Are your dreams supported by your partner, your relationship? Do you feel that being in this relationship is holding you back, keeping you stuck, stopping you reaching your goals & fulfilling your dreams, stopping you from being the best version of you?

17. Is fear the main reason you’re staying? Are you afraid of what happens next if you choose to own that your truth is that you want to end the relationship?

18. How big a role does guilt & shame play in your staying in this relationship? On a scale of 0 -10 where 0 is not at all & 10 is off the charts, how much would you say feelings of guilt about leaving or breaking up with a “good enough” partner is impacting your decision?

19. Are you more committed to the story, the fairytale happy-ever-after, than to THIS relationship with THIS person?

20. What do you gain by staying? What do you lose by staying?
Now ask the same questions about the opposite decision.
If you chose to leave, what would you gain? What would you lose?

21. Are you searching for reasons to stay? Are you seeking validation - listing reasons, asking others their opinion - that it’s OK to leave? Perhaps you’re waiting for THE BOMB to go off to justify your decision to leave? Are you secretly hoping your partner will be the one to pull the plug?

If you’re…
🖤 trying to convince yourself to stay
🖤 searching for reasons not to leave
🖤 telling yourself it’s not “that bad”
It’s a pretty strong sign there’s something that
either needs LOTS of healing for you to stay
OR it’s time to take the next step toward a new version of your life.

Last of all…

If you listened, really listened, to yourself.
If you deeply trusted yourself WHAT WOULD YOU SAY?