BUSTING MYTHS ABOUT LOVE
We’ve all heard the happy ever after fairytales. We’ve all been conditioned by what we see, hear, & experience in our own lives, on our screens, in books & the wider media.
Thanks to Disney, Hallmark, the classics & fairytales, advertising, social, cultural & family conditioning ... we all hold beliefs & harbour myths about LOVE. Even if we don't acknowledge that on a conscious level. There are layers & stories & B.S. that we hold in our hearts, minds, bodies, relationships about what love is.
What it looks like. How it feels. How it begins. And how real love is forever. How love shouldn’t ever come to an end.
But myths aren’t reality. And holding onto mythical beliefs about love can get in the way of us fully embodying & experiencing deep, connected love.
So let’s unpack what’s underneath & bust some of the common myths about love.
MYTH 1: YOU “FALL” IN LOVE
Busting this myth isn’t always popular.
I believe you don’t FALL in love. You don’t fall into a deeply connected, healthy, mature kind of love.
You build it. You choose it. You co-create it. Every day.
Sure, you might find your person (or find a person who is right for you just now at this exact time & season of your life) and it might feel like an explosion or a falling… but I believe LOVE is a verb.
It takes choice. And action. It takes DOING. And it takes for BOTH of you to be committed to the journey. BOTH putting in. Both actively doing.
Successful happy long term couples GIVE without any expectation of receiving. They WANT to give & do so generously. And the giving, the doing, the actively choosing, is reciprocal.
MYTH 2: YOU’LL FIND THE ONE
(& EVERYTHING WILL BE PERFECT &
RIGHT WITH THE WORLD)
Another myth that busting isn’t always welcomed or popular but…
“The One” doesn’t exist.
We are sold the BS myth that there is ONE right person out there for us. That we will know when we find “the one” & when we do find “the one” it will feel amazing & everything will be wonderful, perfect & right with the world (see also Myth 1).
Again, we have Disney movies, fairytales, & Hallmark to thank for this myth. Probably even Shakespeare & the Bronte sisters.
But THE ONE doesn’t exist, or at least not in the way you’ve been led to believe. The ONE isn’t out there, somewhere, waiting for you to discover him or her.
THE ONE is who you choose to love right now. The one is who you’re choosing to love & be in relationship with & explore life with NOW. The ONE is meeting you in the perfectly imperfect, messy middle, of working things out together.
If we hold to the myth of “the one” being “out there” then we close ourselves to possibility. It’s as if we expect, that when we find “the one” to feel completed. One half of a whole. But the thing is, you’re already whole.
THE ONE becomes your one when you meet one another in the messy middle and are both committed to the learning, healing, the journey. To choosing each other.
MYTH 3 - IF YOU LOVE SOMEONE HARD ENOUGH… IT WILL WORK
No amount of love is going to shift or morph or change someone into something they don’t want to become.
And sometimes, no matter how much or how hard you love, it’s not healthy to stay in a relationship.
It’s also a trap to love the potential our partner offers, to love who they might be “if only...”
Love your partner as they are. As they show themselves to you. Love who they are, not who you want them to be. Not who you think they might become. Love the person they are right now.
A sneaky, surreptitious one, this myth often shows up in relationships via feelings of resentment & frustration. You discover that you’re actually hoping they will change, and frustrated that your partner won’t do the thing, do the work, to become who you think or hope or want them to be.
Loving them hard enough hasnt’ worked. You’re invested in & loving the potential this person shows, what YOU think they COULD be rather than who they actually are.
No amount of your loving can fix, or change or help. Love them & THEN they may become more, they may step up & step into a higher version of themselves, may step into the potential that you see for them… but you can’t love someone for who they MIGHT be.
MYTH 4: REAL LOVE IS EASY
Love takes TIME. Shared time. Don’t take time for granted. It’s a finite commodity. Once spent, you can’t ever get it back. Love takes time to deepen & develop. It also requires time shown to it. Tending.
Both of you need to be committed to the journey. Both need to put in equal effort, take equal responsibility, hold space, take the lead, tend to the relationship & at times, carry the load. Because it’s not always going to be easy. There will be seasons & challenges. Internal to the relationship & external impacting on it.
Real love. Mature love. Healthy love holds up a mirror to us. Asks us to do the work, do the healing. Soothe our activations. Manage our triggers. Heal our wounds. Because let’s face it, who in all the world is most activating? Who can poke our wounds, bring up our “stuff”. Yep. The ones we love the most.
Love takes time. Love needs tending. Love needs care. And love is an active choice. LOVING is a verb. It’s a doing word. So LOVE isn’t always easy - it requires an active choice, every day, and it requires us to DO - act, behave, show up in loving ways.
MYTH 5: BEING IN LOVE MEANS YOU WANT THE SAME THINGS
Sometimes, yes but not always. And sometimes if you’re not on the same page about the BIG things in life, being in love, loving another person, isn’t going to be enough.
But just because you’re not ALWAYS on the same page - just because he wants Japanese & you want Mexican, you want a beach holiday & he craves the snow - doesn’t mean you’re not compatible.
BEING IN A HEALTHY LOVE means you can compromise & share without self-sacrificing; without minimising or abdicating or diminishing your own needs.
You can both have your needs met by the other, within the relationship without needing to want or need exactly the same things.
MYTH 6: LOVE MEANS YOUR PARTNER CAN READ YOUR MIND
Before you scoff at or dismiss your belief in this myth, I invite you to pause & think about it.
How many times have you wondered why your partner doesn’t show up for you, for the relationship in the way you hoped he or she would?
How many times have you felt let down or disappointed because they missed the mark for you?
Have you never wondered how on earth he / she could possibly NOT know X, Y or Z about you or about what you were hoping, dreaming, expecting?
If you can see yourself in any of this, there just might be an element of expecting theme to automatically KNOW what you want or what you need. To read your mind.
When in fact, a loving, healthy mature relationship requires that you express your needs in order for them be met. To KNOW what your needs are. To speak up & communicate them clearly.
And yes, it’s your partner’s responsibility to meet your (reasonable) needs, to meet you, to hold space for you, to see you & hear you… but they can’t read your mind. To meet your needs, they need to know what they are & for that to be true, you need to communicate them.
MYTH 7: REAL LOVE IS WHAT WE FEEL IN THE HONEYMOON PHASE
The passionate honeymoon phase of a new relationship is amazing & exciting. And it’s not humanly possible for it to last forever. In the excitement of the honeymoon phase, everytihbng is new… but we don’t really KNOW our partner yet. We are each showing up as our best possible selves, showing our best side, & seeing only that in our partner.
But KNOWING leads to a deeper loving. Deeper connection. And knowing, on that deeper level, can only come AFTER that honeymoon phase.
It requires us to show up, in all our light & shadow & bring to the relationship parts of us we don’t really want to acknowledge. And to allow the same for our partner.
Substance in a relationship is sexy. Depth. Integrity. Compassion. Kindness. Deep vulnerability. Willingness to be fully seen, to show each other our whole selves. Love is more than the excitement & passion of the honeymoon phase.
MYTH 8: REAL LOVE IS EXCITING ALL THE TIME
There is a myth that real love, true love, soul fire love is exciting & ALL the things all the time. But healthy, deep, soulful love feels safe. Which can mean it’s not wildly exciting ALL the time.
If you are someone whose past relationships have been fiery & explosive, this can feel vanilla or even boring. If your definition or experience of love is such that you believe the myth it should be fiery, passionate, explosive or exciting… or it’s not real love, healthy loving can seem underwhelming.
Real love, healthy, healed (or in the process of healing) love feels safe. It feels certain & sure. It feels trustworthy & sometimes predictable. You know you can rely on it.
It feels like being seen for who you really are. Being heard. Being held. And knowing the relationship can see, hear & hold ALL of you. Real love is about being able to express yourself, show up as all of yourself, not holding parts of yourself back for fear you won’t be accepted, welcomed or loved. It’s about freely expressing & claiming your needs; having that expression validated, not shut down or have consequences.
It’s being held gently & reverently, with tenderness, not grabbed desperately or held too tightly. It’s about being able to be & show ALL of you, and having that met by another.And sometimes, that feels cozy & comfortable, rather than racy, frenetic or fiery.
Sometimes real love is filling the car with fuel or cleaning the toilet.
MYTH 9: ALL YOU NEED IS LOVE
We have The Beatles to thank for this one and, while I love The Beatles, this love myth is total B.S.
LOVE is NOT all you need.
You also need kindness & compassion. Mutual respect. Understanding. Willingness to work through differences. Compromise. You need communication skills.
A willingness to stand in the discomfort of conflict & work through it. To move through conflict in spite of discomfort to find a resolution. To make good & repair after rupture.
You need a desire to make each other’s lives better by sharing life together. A desire to be & bring the best version of yourself to the relationship.
Commitment to working through your own stuff, healing & learning & then growing into a deeper relationship.
Because while love is not “all you need” it all starts & ends with love. Starting from a place of love. Choosing from a place of love. Choosing from a deeply self-loving space. LOVE is what connects us & deepens our relationship. With ourselves. And with each other. And that makes the world a better, more loving, more compassionate place.
If your marriage, your relationship, your love doesn’t look or feel quite like you hoped…
If you’re feeling overwhelmed & confused & you’re turning in circles asking the same questions on loop…
If the noise in your head is loud & insistent…
If you’re wondering whether to stay or go or…
You know it’s time to leave but your paralysed by fear or indecision…
If you feel like there’s too many questions & no clear answers or solutions
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