The GIFT of Decluttering After A Break-Up or Divorce

4 Sept

Divorce. A break-up of a long-term relationship. Moving on afterwards can be seriously overwhelming. There’s so much to do. So much “stuff” to be dealt with and... it also brings GIFTS, some of which can be an unexpectedly pleasant surprise.

The 🎁 gift of DECLUTTERING your space & your life is one such surprise gift.

A major life change like a divorce, (or a pandemic lockdown 😵) presents a perfect opportunity to clear out all the stuff that no longer serves you, no longer lights you up or no longer reflects who you are and where you’re headed next. Of course, this can be physical “stuff” but there may also be less tangible things in your life you will want or need to declutter.

To declutter, there are some key places to start.

An easy purge is if it belonged to your ex. If it did, and it’s still around it’s G-O-N-E! Anything left behind after you’ve agreed to the division of your property & assets, GOES. Of course, give your ex every opportunity to do this for themselves but, if those last few things have been left behind things… box them up, place them out where he can safely collect them and give him a time frame by which this needs to be done. After this – BIN IT! (or, if it’s of value, sell it! See below)

Was it SHARED? Does it have good memories attached? Consider keeping. Does it cause you pain to look at or use? Gone.

Look at the things of $$$ value you’ve collected over the course of your relationship. What PURPOSE does each of these serve in your new, solo life? Does it still (did it ever) bring you JOY? If the answer to that is a resounding “YES!” by all means keep it. If you waver, store it away where you can’t see it for a period of time while you decide. If you can clearly answer “NO, NO, NO” to the joy question – get rid of it. Sell it. Donate it. Bin it. Burn it.

I’m not a keen advocate of bin or burn as options for things you once loved, so if you DO choose this option, be certain it’s right. You can’t unburn that gorgeous, expensive piece of art you bought together in Venice or Paris. But you CAN use the money from selling it in a way that lights you up.

So, back to the “stuff”.

🛌 Bedroom Stuff – if you can, get rid of that bed. In fact, suggest HE takes the old bed with him to his new space. Definitely get rid of the bed linen and buy yourself something new – something that feels right for your solo life (mine is pastel pink washed linen with silver & grey cushions). Something that represents your new start. Towels too. Call me crazy but like the bedding, those towels had touched his skin, which felt super intimate so I wanted them G-O-N-E! Two new beautiful, soft, fluffy towels JUST FOR ME.

💍 Jewellery – The wedding & engagement rings or other significant pieces that represent your relationship. You may choose to keep these, on give to someone (your daughter?) now or in the future, or sell it. Whatever you choose, consider buying a NEW one, even if it’s for a different finger. I asked my kids (and yes, my ex helped them and even paid for it…) for a ring for the first Christmas after we separated. Funny, it’s also “pink” – rose gold with a pink sapphire. For me, it represents my life as a single Mum. I also bought myself a necklace when the three of us – me and my kids were on holiday. That represents the three of us – a tight, powerful unit. I wear it almost every day and especially on those days I need a little lift for my soul / heart.

🍆 Toys – any sex toys that you shared with your ex... GET RID OF THEM. Release yourself & free your pleasure from being anchored to memories of your past relationship. Get yourself something NEW. Solo life doesn’t have to mean no fun, no sex or no pleasure. If you’ve never HAD sex toys in the past, now is a PERFECT time to explore. Do check out Oh My Vibes, an Australian business started for women to find pleasure for ourselves rather than be sold a story of how it “should” look.

👕 Clothing – do you sleep in one of his old T-Shirts? And does it still smell of him? GET RID OF IT! Go and buy yourself some new PJ’s or even just a big, soft lovely t-shirt to wrap yourself in to sleep. Lingerie he bought or that you bought to wear especially for him? Think about ditching. Also ditch anything so old & shabby that when you put it on, does NOT light you up (you know the ones...) At the very least, go and buy yourself something NEW. Not necessarily, at this stage to flaunt for a new partner (although go for it if it feels right!), more, for YOU. To re-connect with your inner goddess; your sexy, beautiful sensual self and if you want to explore this more deeply, check out my podcast episode with Lindsay Bodhi, Sex & Pleasure Coach.

📸 Photos – you don’t necessarily have to burn or bin them, but you most certainly don’t need to be seeing that huge poster sized print of your wedding day each time you walk into the house. I created a file on my computer (a few years after our separation) called “Not All Bad” for some of the digital files of our relationship, and a box in the cupboard for other photos. Change your screen saver and lock screen image on your phone. Choose images that fully LIGHT you up. Consider using your screensaver images as part of your vision board. Do you want to live by the beach? Travel to the Maldives? Go sky diving? Find images that reflect your DREAMS and use them. If you have kids, consider keeping a few family photos around, even if they are small ones in your children’s bedrooms. Remember, you’re still a family, and they still have two parents, it just looks & feels different.

🧟‍♀️ Family & Friends – your toxic ex-mother-in-law? Yep. You don’t have to deal with her on Christmas Day any more. His sister, who you love dearly – it’s OK to maintain your connection and friendship with her. Friends… some will choose for you, declaring a “side”. Some will sadly, freeze you out (check out my podcast ep on this topic) or not know how to deal with your separation. Others, you may choose to let go of or release yourself from and this can be a blessing. Divorce is a rough ride. You need people on your team who love, support and uplift you. Yes, they can still be friends with your ex-partner too but, if they’re not loving, supporting and lifting you up above the shit storm that divorce can be, gently and gracefully LET THEM GO.

📵 Social Media – Divorce & the reorganization of your life afterwards gives you a free licence to declutter your social media accounts. Unfriend. Unfollow. Block. Anyone or any account that does not make your heart SING & bring light, love & joy to your life. Actively seek out sites & accounts who love, lift and deeply support you.

🧠 Your Mind – Declutter your mind. Find ways to release those painful thoughts, sad memories, stories you’re telling yourself. Work on calming your inner critical voice. Shift your mindset from “victim” or “fight” to “freedom” & “fly” Go inward and spend your time, effort & energy on you – on updating your relationship with YOURSELF.

Divorce or the break up of a long-term relationship is a rough & bumpy ride. Decluttering your life and freeing yourself from anything that does not bring joy, offer support or expand your horizons, anything that doesn’t fit with where you’re HEADED, can ease the journey.

So, keep it super simple. Let go of anything that feels like it’s weighing you down – physical stuff, people, memories, mindset – and move forward invigorated, empowered, and ready to embrace the new.