Questions I Might Ask You...
As your Divorce Coach or Separation Strategist, I am your supporter, your cheerleader, your guide and a big part of my role is to ask you the right questions. Questions that guide you to find your own answers; your own way home to yourself while navigating the storm that divorce can be.
I don’t have all the answers for your life – but I believe you do. My role is to help you find them, connect deeply to them, and integrate them into the way you negotiate your way through your separation & divorce and beyond, into your daily life as a solo woman.
I will ask you deep and powerful questions that encourage you to challenge and stretch yourself, to be vulnerable, build your self-trust and self-belief, while simultaneously being your biggest supporter and loudest cheerleader.
But what would working with a me as your divorce coach actually be like? Here’s a few questions I might ask you if we work together
· In 5, 10, 20 years’ time, how do you want your life to look and feel?
Coaching with me is forward looking, future focused and all about the end goal. While we will absolutely talk about & acknowledge your past, your journey, how you got where you are, that’s not the primary focus. You’ll be encouraged to map out a vision of how you want your future to look and feel. You’ll set goals, and with my deep, nurturing support you’ll make a plan with incremental, achievable steps to move you forward towards your ideal life.
· What’s the story you’re telling yourself here?
How much of what’s spinning around in your head on repeat is just that... a story you’ve created for yourself? What part of your story do you need to let go of to enable you to move forward? Coaching helps you recognise your story, when you’re stuck in it and build the skills to move beyond it.
I will gently, lovingly & honestly call you out when you tip into story telling or catastrophising (babe, we all do it. Especially in highly emotional, highly charged life seasons like relationship transition). We will work together to release you from your story so you can write your next, beautiful chapter.
· Is that true? How do you know it’s true? What evidence do you have to support that?
We all make assumptions. We tend to jump to conclusions. We sub-conscioulsy seek evidence to support our own (often negative or not-based-in-deep-truth) thoughts, feelings and ideas. We look for evidence to back up our own story (see ⬆️⬆️⬆️) and often (especially when we’re triggered or in a heightened emotional state - ummm hello divorce, or negotiating with someone we once loved) we focus on the more negative or darker parts of the story.
How much of what you “believe” is actually true? As your coach I will challenge your beliefs – about your divorce, your family, yourself, your potential - and encourage you to seek evidence to support your new truth.
· What do you most want your children to remember about their parents?
What do you want their most enduring memories of you, their other parent, and their family to be like? What would you most want them to say about you at your funeral?
That may seem a little dramatic, but the reason I ask this question of my clients is because as parents, you have the power to set the tone of your children’s experience of your family’s reorganisation.
Do you want them to remember that you were two individuals who chose, above all, to honour their right to a family who cares for & shows respect for one another?
· What do you want to teach your kids about respect, communication and relationships?
Kids learn what they live, what they see, hear & experience. Even if it is a one-way street, the way you conduct yourself teaches them about boundaries and respectful relationships. Coaching supports you to set firm boundaries, hold yourself accountable, communicate and behave with respect. In turn, this allows you to show your kids by living example, how to handle conflict & disagreement in healthy ways.
How to discuss & negotiate even in the most difficult circumstances. How to honour & respect someone in spite of your differences. How to communicate calmly & respectfully even when your emotions are high. How to love deeply, and let go gracefully when things aren’t OK anymore. That choosing the right path, isn’t always easy, but it’s worth it.
· What is not serving you...? What’s holding you back / getting in your way...?
...to move toward your goal... to achieve an amicable outcome... to communicate calmly with your ex... to let go and heal...? What blocks are you putting in your own way? Where and how are you limiting yourself? Are you self-sabotaging or making excuses for yourself?
I’ll help you clearly identify these challenges, brainstorm & teach you the skills to move through & beyond them.
· Where are you giving away your power?
Holding onto anger, sadness, bitterness & pain longer than you need disempowers you. Staying stuck in your story robs you of your ability to clearly see a path forward. We will identify together anywhere you’re giving away your power to choose a path forward that deeply nourishes you and your family.
With my support you will release yourself from these emotions, freeing you to make empowered, objective choices about your divorce and the rest of your life.
· What’s your biggest fear....?
What we most fear is so often the thing that holds us stuck, unable to see a way forward. Losing your kids. Losing control. Money. Scarcity. He / she will “win”. Not being able to do it all alone. These are all valid and very real fears when you’re navigating a separation.
Fear paralyses and clouds your perspective, making decisions so much more difficult. Together we will identify what you’re most afraid of, and with loving support empower you to unfreeze and start to move forward.
· How could you simplify that? How could you think differently about that?
“That” could be a parenting issue, a financial choice, an email you need to send your ex-partner, an overwhelming and seemingly endless “to do” list. A fear. A story. A thought.
Challenging your thinking is one of the key skills of a coach. So often, we get stuck on loop, unable to see any other way than “ours”. For a collaborative, amicable outcome to your divorce, the ability to challenge and sometimes change the way you look at things is crucial.
I troubleshoot and brainstorm ideas with you, coming up with an action plan and clearly outlining steps that feel achievable and also deeply aligned with your ideal outcome. With that version of life you’ve already outlined you most want to be living in 5, 10, 20 years’ time.
· What are the possibilities / solutions / options?
Looking at all possible options and solutions (even ones that seem crazy) leads my clients towards a win / win resolution. What other possibilities are there for your unique circumstances?
As your coach I will guide you to explore what MIGHT be possible if you expand your thinking; if you look outside the box. With encouragement and support, like your co-pilot & navigator, I’ll lead you to generate options you may not have considered. There are so many ways to move you & your family forward. I will help you discover & map out your unique path.
· What is ONE step you can take to move yourself forward?
The journey through separation & divorce is at times overwhelming. There are days when you’ll find it difficult to decide what to wear or what to make for breakfast let alone take the steps towards a really big life-changing decision.
These are the days we drill it right down to the basics. When I might ask you… “What is ONE step you can take to move yourself forward?” or “What do you need right now?”
I support you to get underneath all of the noise, to determine what’s really important and what’s just, well, noise. Once you’re clear on that, the ONE STEP becomes much more obvious. One small step leads you to the next small step, which leads you to the next. And the next. Together, we determine what YOUR one small step will be so you can free yourself to take the next one.
And don’t worry if you think these questions feel a little too big for you to answer by yourself. That’s why I’m there every step of the way. Supporting. Nurturing. Guiding. Cheerleading. Helping you find your own answers in the safest, most supportive & super confidential space. I know what it feels like to do this work, to navigate a divorce & a re-organisation or your family - your whole life - alone. And lovely one, you don’t have to.
