HOW TO HOLIDAY WITH YOUR EX

7 Apr

First posted back in March of 2020, since the travel world has started opening up again, I’ve have had some recent requests to re-share. So here you go…

HOW TO HOLIDAY WITH YOUR EX
(and not kill one another)

And... all of a sudden, it’s March. The kids are back at school. Work is back in full swing and the dust has well and truly settled on the holidays. They seem a long, long time ago.

Unusually, my kids have spent over a week with their Dad (he’s a FIFO Dad and is usually only in town for 5 days at a time). The time and space alone has afforded me some time to reflect on what was a pretty amazing holiday for my family.

Our 17-year-old daughter, Eva spent the last part of 2019 on an exchange program in France. After lots of discussion and a generous offer from her Dad to help with $, I flew to France to meet her host family, and to collect her at the end of her exchange.

It also meant that Elliott, our 15 year old, could spend some rare one-on-one time with his Dad. They both love cars, football, pizza and pasta. A road trip through Italy was the perfect choice.

Then the 4 of us met in Paris for 5 days. Together.

The last day Eva and I spent together before we met the boys she said “Not gonna lie Mum. Elliott and I are a bit nervous about this whole thing.” I reassured her it would be fine. And, it was.

Was it perfect? No. There are good reasons why MAC and I are divorced after all. Did we annoy each other? A little. Was it fun? Did we all have a great time? Absolutely. And, I laughed until tears rolled down my face, reminding me what I liked and still like, about the man who is the father of my kids.

Here’s how we made it work:

1. SET THE BUDGET
Discuss an overall budget, what you’ll pay for accommodation and how that will be shared. Who pays for what, how you’ll reimburse each other and when. Importantly, agree how you’ll pay for things on the go. Meals. Snacks and drinks. Admission to attractions and monuments. And of course, in Paris – toilets. We opted for a shared pool of cash that we each contributed to equally, and everything was paid from that.

2. HAVE SEPARATE SPACES
You need a space to retreat from one another so make sure you all have enough space. We chose 2 accommodation options: 1. A hotel where I shared a room with our daughter and MAC with our son and 2. An AirBnB apartment, miraculously in Paris, big enough for all of us, including two (small) but separate living spaces.

3. CHOOSE EASY
Choose a destination where at least SOME of the decisions are made for you. This minimises the need for discussion / negotiation which therefore reduces the potential for disagreement and conflict. We opted for Disneyland and a hotel with breakfast included. No further decisions needed. We could hand control to the kids (OK so ours are 15 & 17 and very travel savvy and this might not work with younger children) and simply follow their lead for two days through the magic and mania of Disneyland.

4. HONOUR YOUR STRENGTHS

Stick to what you’re each good at. Let go of the need to control everything and allow the other to take the lead at times. For me, that was researching and booking accommodation, sorting Ubers and going on the scary rides at Disneyland. For MAC, it was organising flights for everyone, getting vaguely lost but discovering the local restaurant where we had the BEST dinner and the main thing he likes to do, handling the cash. He’s good at it. I don’t care. So he takes the lead on that.

5. KEEP IT SHORT AND SWEET
Keep it short enough that everyone can hold it together or break up the trip in the middle, with some time spent separately. Our kids agreed that “any longer (5 nights) and it probably wouldn’t have been as good.” Get in. Enjoy each other and the time with your kids. Get out.

6. KNOW YOUR TRIGGERS
Be aware of things you know will trigger or irritate you and consciously choose, for the duration of the holiday, to let them slide. For me, it’s anyone making choices or decisions for me. Always was. Always will be. If you know what triggers you about your ex, you can choose to be less reactive, respond differently or not at all. It’s a short term thing. I made a conscious choice to do this as much as I could – it was only 5 days and OMG we were in Paris, with our kids.

7. BEND THE RULES
Relax. You’re on holidays. Bend the rules, especially if you’re usually the parent with firmer boundaries. Chocolate croissants for breakfast? Of course (we were in France after all)! Letting go a little allows everyone to relax, making disagreement and argument less likely.

8. SLEEP INS and DOWN TIME
If you can, give each other the gift of a sleep-in on alternate mornings or an hour or two “off duty”. Take the kids to the pool, on a walk, our for hot chocolate, while your co-parent has a break. You’re on holidays and, for a change, there are TWO parents. Share the load and the harder, more mundane parts of parenting while you have the chance.

9. LET IT GO
This holiday is a small, finite period of time. Try to enjoy it. It’s inevitable that you’ll do things that annoy your co-parent and vice versa. Just let it go. Remember why you’re here and why you’ve chosen to do this. It’s not for you. Or for your co-parent. It’s not to right all the wrongs of your past shared history. It’s just for your kids. Let. It. Go.

10. REMEMBER WHY YOU LOVED EACH OTHER
This could be a stretch for some of you, but I found it was an unexpected bonus. Over the course of the holiday, I was reminded of why I fell in love with this man. He’s kind, generous and really, really funny. Do I want to be in a relationship with him? F%#@ NO!!! But I can look at him, acknowledge what we shared, and honour the children we have together.

Lastly, I have to acknowledge MAC’s part in this. There aren’t many people I know who would travel with their ex-wife, and I’m deeply grateful that we could. As Eva said “I think we are really lucky that you and Dad could do it for us because it was so special.” I am incredibly proud of the family we’ve built, and have continued to co-create after our divorce. I can’t think of a better gift to give our kids.