COVID19, CO-PARENTING & CLOSURES
For many bi-nuclear, separated or divorced families, the challenges of school closures and parents working from home due to COVID19 have raised new issues in their co-parenting relationship.
Here are some tips and strategies to keep it calm, collaborative and co-operative.
1. ACTIVELY CHOOSE to CO-PARENT
Parenting when you live in the one home as a family unit is challenging enough. Parenting with an ex is even harder. Add to that the raised stress levels everyone is under while we navigate the constantly changing environment of life with COVID19 and it's harder again. Actively choosing to be a good co-parent is about recognising you are still PARENTS TOGETHER even if you’re no longer in a relationship together and then consciously deciding to MAKE IT WORK EFFECTIVELY. Choose collaboration over conflict.
2. PLAN TOGETHER
Create a plan and follow it. Stick to a regular schedule. This may need to be adjusted as life and your kids change (yep, right now... thanks COVID19). Having a regular, consistent schedule that everyone knows about in advance, makes transitions easier for everyone. When things are changing day-to-day, a plan helps keep everyone calm and up to date on who is where and when. Create a home schooling plan that works for everyone, while still allowing flexibility.
3. R-E-S-P-E-C-T
Respect yourself. Respect your kids. Respect your ex. Respect everyone’s right to a happy family life – even though you live separately. Respect one another’s differences. Different doesn’t mean wrong. Especially at a time like this. Lean on each other, respecting that you each have different strengths to bring to your children.
4. COMMUNICATE
Keep the lines of communication open. Talk. If you can’t do that without No.3, email or text. But seriously, to co-parent effectively, staying on the same page with each other regarding your kids, you NEED to be able to talk especially while things are changing so rapidly. If your kids are old enough, a group text chat for the family is one option. There are also a number of apps (Cozi, WeParent, OurFamilyWizard ) that are super useful to keep everyone organised and informed. At the moment with things changing day by day, open communication lines are even more critical in keeping your kids not only happy, but safe. ⠀
5. TEAM UP
For the bigger issues or life decisions (health, education, discipline, rules) try to work together. Value each other’s contribution to the team. Now, more than ever being a united team is vital for calmly navigating a home life where kids and parents are all at home. Lean in for one another. Have each others' back. Your kids will benefit.
6. BE FLEXIBLE
This is going to be a lesson in your capacity to be creative and flexible; to think of the bigger picture and seriously put the needs of your kids FIRST. So, you’ve got your plan. You’ve got your schedule. The routine is set. However, you will both need to bend and accommodate one another’s needs, restrictions and limitations. Flexibility will be key.
7. SHARE THE DREAM
Share with each other openly what you most want for your kids. What your values are and what’s most important for each of you when it comes to your children. Again, think big picture, but also think about right now. What and how do you want to communicate with your kids about what's happening in the world right now?
8. LISTEN
Give your ex / co-parent the space to talk. Listen deeply and attentively with the intention of HEARING what they say, not just waiting for an opportunity to voice your own thoughts or opinions. At times of high stress, it's easy to forget to listen or mishear what's being said. Take the time, when you are speaking with your co-parent, to really listen.
9. CHOOSE WISELY
Pick your battles. You WILL disagree (hey... you’re divorced for good reasons, right?!) You’re not going to love everything your ex does as a co-parent but CHOOSE which issues you need to respond to. Remember, everyone is under significant stress and will be more likely to react rather than respond.
10. TRUST YOUR CO-PARENT
Trust that your co-parent is doing their best. Give them the benefit of the doubt (especially where your kids are the messenger!) There’s always another version of the truth, so don’t jump to conclusions. Seek to understand and always give them the opportunity to voice their version of events before judging. Trust your co-parent to take their share of the load in these extraordinary circumstances and perhaps even allow them to take on things that you hadn't previously.
11. SELF CARE & SUPPORT
Co-parenting is not easy, ESPECIALLY at challenging times like those COVID19 has presented. Caring for yourself (and each other) is vital. Self care can be simple, and will have to be while we are working from home and home-schooling kids.
Lastly, don’t give up. If you need help to navigate the challenges, mediation, counsellors and coaches can help. And now, more than ever before, many of us work online so reach out.
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