Is Your Ex A GOPHER PARENT?
A “gopher” parent, is one who is often absent or disappears for a time, and reappears or “pops up” at times when it is convenient for them to do so.
(Different from “Disney Parenting” – a gopher can pop up at times when big decisions are to be made... choice of school perhaps, and push their own agenda / idea, but is notably absent many other times)
After separation or divorce, many parents (especially those who have less time with their kids) find transitioning to a part-time co-parent can be difficult to negotiate. If one parent chooses to take a backward step, for whatever combination of reasons – work demands, resentment of the co-parent, a new life with a new partner taking precedence or feeling “squeezed out” by the more actively involved parent – they can easily become a gopher parent.
However it begins, as the non-gopher parent it’s difficult to deal with.
Here are some tips:
1.KEEP YOUR GOPHER INFORMED
even if they don’t appear interested and don’t respond. Do the right thing by your kids and keep your gopher up to date on what’s happening. Keeping them informed gives your co-parent the most opportunity to step out of their hole on a more consistent basis.
2. STAY CALM WHEN THEY POP UP
Resist any urge to bash them about how often they’ve NOT been present. Choose to deal with the current issue or event without allowing the interaction to be derailed by past problems. Co-parent as if they aren’t a gopher – as if they are always / regularly present and available for your kids.
3. SEEK PROFESSIONAL HELP with your gopher
You and your gopher are divorced for a reason. Usually many reasons. Expecting to instantly and instinctively co-parent smoothly after divorce is unrealistic. Enlist the help of experts.
Coaching or counselling for you. Counselling for your kids. Counselling as a family. All provide safe platforms for collaborative decision making that minimise conflict.
4. CONNECT WITH THE EXTENDED GOPHER FAMILY
On-going and constructive relationships with your gopher co-parent’s extended family can be invaluable. Supporting your kids to have strong relationships with their grandparents, aunts, uncles and cousins on their gopher parent’s side can foster more positive interactions with and about their other parent. Extended family can also be pro-active in pulling the gopher out of his / her hole.
5. ACCEPT YOUR GOPHER CO-PARENT
Accept the amount and type of parenting your ex-spouse gives. It’s not the way YOU would do it. It’s not the way you WANT it to be. But that’s the way it is. Accept the reality of what is, even if you think it’s not enough. Don’t give up on hoping for and opening the way for it to be more... but don’t break your neck trying to make it happen if your gopher refuses to emerge from their hole when and in a way YOU (and your kids) want.
While I’m stating the obvious here, you are divorced for a reason (or lots of them) and it’s simply not realistic to expect to co-parent in complete harmony, one hundred percent of the time.
Things may not improve overnight (or sadly, sometimes, ever) but your kids deserve an ongoing relationship with BOTH parents, even if what the gopher parent offers is far from what you think is enough.
Sometimes, having a safe space to vent, ask questions, bounce ideas around and find support is all you need to re-set, re-centre yourself and continue on a respectful co-parenting pathway. You can join me and a bunch of other amazing women in my THRIVE AFTER DIVORCE Facebook Group here.
Want deeper support with your Gopher Co-Parent?
