The Primary Relationship That Needs Updating... Is The One You Have With Yourself
“THE PRIMARY RELATIONSHIP THAT NEEDS UPDATING AT MIDLIFE IS THE ONE YOU HAVE WITH YOURSELF.”
I love this quote from Dr Christiane Northrup and often think the word “midlife” could easily be dropped… the primary relationship we need to HAVE, the first one we need to honour and nurture and prioritise at any stage of our life, is the one we have with OURSELF.
The excitement of entering a beautiful brand new relationship….
The challenge of the messy middle of a relationship with small (or big!) children…
The major upheaval that comes with a relationship transition, separation or divorce…
All are times when we can be tempted (or enticed by circumstance) to lose connection to ourselves. To slide ourselves down the priority list. To become enveloped in the powerful emotions swirling around and within us; the busyness, the sensory and emotional overload, the “other” that we lose sight, ever so slightly, of ourselves. We simply forget to devote any time to working on, maintaining, deepening, strengthening our relationship with ourselves.
Do you know what you need? Do you know and like who you are? Do you put yourself first? Do you honour yourself and set firm boundaries? Do you listen to yourself? Are you focused on other people and things, rather than on yourself?
Connecting with and building a healthy relationship with yourself is vital whether you’re calling in your next big relationship adventure, blissfully + deeply in love with your new partner (yep… even then. Maybe especially then…); in the messy middle part juggling kids, jobs, the dog + your in-laws; or transitioning out of a relationship. Knowing who you are, what your values are, who you want to be in your future. How you want to spend your time + energy; how you’re going to show up in the world. Holding on to your own inner compass, inner peace.
Knowing that, while a relationship with another is a beautiful, powerful, wonderful part of your life, the relationship you have with yourself underpins everything.
Here are my tips for building a beautiful, healthy, strong and loving relationship with yourself:
1. BE COMMITTED
Nurturing any relationship takes time and effort. The relationship you build with yourself is no different. It’s a lifelong journey. Make a conscious decision to be committed to developing a healthy, loving and robust relationship with yourself. Be committed.
2. CHOOSE YOU
Choose the relationship with yourself first. Choose YOU over all others. Take care of your own needs first.
This isn’t selfish or self-centred. It’s vital. You can’t fill up others from an empty cup. That reminder from the flight attendants on a plane to fit your own oxygen mask before helping others? The same applies in all areas of your life. Make sure you are taken care of first – physically (nutrition, sleep, rest, exercise), emotionally, mentally and energetically. Where and how are you “feeding” yourself? Choose you.
3. CHECK IN WITH YOURSELF REGULARLY
Just as you check in with your friends and family to see how they are and what’s happening in their lives, so too we need to check in with ourselves. It’s simply not possible to tend to our needs if we don’t recognise what they are. Ask yourself, on a regular basis “how am I today?” “what do I need more or less of?” Schedule this time, to check in. Reassess and reset your self-care. Check in with yourself.
4. ATTEND TO YOUR INNER WORLD
Make time to connect with your inner spirit, your essence, your soul - whatever you call it. There are countless ways to connect with and tend to your inner world. Meditation. Yoga. Journalling. Walking. Swimming, Sitting still and silent in nature. Playing or listening to music. Whatever it is for you, make time for this connection to the inner, rather than the noise of the outer world. It’s as important as any other fuel – food, water, air - we fill our selves with.
5. SURROUND YOURSELF WITH LOVE
Actively choose to surround yourself with people who uplift you; people who love you and treat you with kindness, compassion and respect but also, people who already have or are actively working towards building a positive relationship with themselves. Let them be your role models and cheerleaders. Gently, with courtesy and compassion (for yourself and the other party) extract yourself from relationships which don’t feel loving and supportive. Surround yourself not only with people you love but with things you love, things that bring joy into your world. They may be expensive or extravagant and can also be as simple as a flower picked from the garden or a favourite piece of music. Surround yourself with love.
6. BE A GOOD FRIEND TO YOURSELF
That inner voice…. She can be harsh and critical. Start treating yourself + speaking to yourself just as you would your best friend. Gently. Compassionately. With good grace and humour. Forgive yourself as you would others. Encourage yourself and celebrate your achievements. If you’re struggling with making a decision, ask yourself “what would my best friend do / say?” If you’ve made a mistake, have a laugh, forgive yourself and move forward. If you’ve achieved a milestone, celebrate yourself. Be a good friend to yourself.
7. RECOGNISE and RELEASE the BARRIERS
Put simply, get out of your own way. Being “too busy” is a barrier. Putting others first is a barrier. Blaming others for sucking up your time or energy. Telling yourself “I’ll do it later” or “I’ll do it when….” Telling yourself that the spending time and energy building a healthy, joyful, uplifting relationship with yourself is selfish, silly or not important? Barriers. We all have them. What are yours? Recognise them, get to know how they show up for you then gently break them down and step back towards a deeper connection to yourself. Recognise + release yourself from your barriers.
8. EMBRACE IMPERFECTIONS
We tend to have unconditional love for others – our kids, our family, our friends, (sometimes) even our partner – but we are often not so compassionate with ourselves. Be curious. Recognise and work on your weaknesses or flaws, sure but accept them as a part of your whole. Work on them with self-compassion. Embrace your imperfections as part of your journey, part of your whole. We all have shadowy parts. Embrace yours and choose to step into your light, knowing the shadows are simply one part of the glorious woman you are. A perfectly imperfect human, shining her light, ready to receive.
When you drill down under all of this, it really is quite simple.
YOU are the foundation. YOU are the scaffolding. YOU bring the light to shine on yourself, allowing others to see you.
Make the foundation - your relationship with and to yourself - strong and sure. Build the rest of your life - all of your relationships - around that strength.
Make a promise to yourself to take care of YOU in the very best way you can. Every. Single. Day.
What do you really want for yourself?
How do you want your future to look & feel?
If you want deeper support to explore all of that and more, let’s talk about how coaching can help.
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